I always mean to..

There's a list of things I sometimes accomplish, and a list of things I rarely accomplish, but the intent is always there. On this list are things like actually getting and keeping the house in order, fasting once a month (for religious reasons), exercising, going to the temple once a week, holding "Family Home Evening" (a family gathering on Mondays in which we talk about things we want our family to learn), and keeping the sabbath day holy.

Today is Sunday, guess which one I'm thinking of now. Yep, keeping the Sabbath day Holy. Sunday is a day that things are supposed to be clean and in place so you can rest and think about things less temporal. Preparing for the Sabbath on Saturday is necessary. I tend to have some trouble with staying on top of my chores any day, but Saturday is always so full of good & fun things that chores seem to find their place last on my Saturday list, which means they end up being left for Sunday. On Sunday I often have company, so after inadvertently leaving my mess until last on Saturday and never getting to it, I have to clean my home on the Sabbath. This problem enters my mind every Sunday. What blessings am I missing out on because I do things this way? What blessings is my family missing out on? I mean, cleaning isn't the only way I remove the meaning from the day. We've often got cartoons running all morning and the hubby is on video games and on really hot days we go swimming. There's nothing wrong with swimming or doing chores or cartoons and video games, but on this special day our thoughts ought to be turned to things of an eternal nature. I will let you share a brain wave with me for a moment as I tangent on a related subject. There are special blessings tied to paying Tithing. It's not always easy to give up one tenth of all your income, but it's a part of the law of sacrifice. On the same lines, it is definitely not easy to prepare so dutifully on Saturday that Sunday can be fully devoted to the Lord. Again, it takes special sacrifice- not doing what one usually would do. And again, the blessings promised for your obedience are always more than you imagined. As I think about it, Sunday seems so much more to me now than it seemed to be yesterday. It is a day we dress in our best and dedicate ourselves to loving and learning from the Savior, a day of reverence. The Sabbath, when done properly, it can be a great instrument in building my family and building my home as a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. I see now that on Saturday I prepare my home to be visited by the Savior. Oh! That puts a nice twinkle on the story of Mary and Martha! When Christ came to her home, Martha was busy doing good things like cleaning and preparing food for him, and she missed out on better things. As Martha worked, Mary sat and learned at the Savior's feet, choosing the better part. I never thought of that as a parable of Sunday before. I love it! That changes everything. I feel a great desire now to prepare my home every week for that special day so I can learn at the Savior's feet with my family.

Face Picker!

My deep dark underbelly and thorn in my side is my addiction to picking my face. Believe me, it's worse than it sounds. It has been dubbed a family curse (as I share the addiction with two others in my family). Through my youth it was a daily ritual that I would go to the mirror and forget about time as I squeezed the life out of every pore in my face, digging under every scab and creating more than just a swollen mess. I would put up my spiky shield, so anyone who dared to try to stop me would think twice next time. It was really embarrassing. I would go to school every day with a swollen scabbed over face, then sometimes I would pick during class and I would start bleeding. It was a serious contender to my self esteem and confidence. It definitely held me back. It was a big player of the worst time in my life. With time, it has gotten better. I no longer have a spiky shield and I think I'm pretty awesome which really helps. I can't say I'm over it... not yet, I have said it so many times I think people have stopped believing me. I don't think anyone would point the finger to say I was lying, but because I slipped up and spiraled out of control again, my credibility with that statement has worn thin. I've had this bane for about 13 years... so, over half my young life. It's been a long and bloody battle.

Here are the tools I've employed to fight this monster:

1. Incentives -never work!

2. Tracking progress -almost works.

3. Lights out in the bathroom - it would work, but the light has to be on sometimes... and it doesn't solve the problem of absent minded picking. It works equally as well as limiting my bathroom access because, eventually, I will be in there. Also, I must note, gloves are useless and I don't need nails to pick.

4. Prayer & blessings. -My theory on these is, my desire to pick is overcoming me and I have let it become stronger than any other desire, so until my desire is different, God won't control me. It's part of life to learn to overcome the "natural man" or the natural inclination to sin. He can and does support me. So, prayer & blessings work if I let them.

5. Writing on the mirror, on my hands, on the door... -doesn't work.

6. Talking about it -well, it sometimes makes me want to do it, sometimes it helps me understand my problem better. So -flip a coin.

7. Rule sets. -My current rules are:

1. I must be 2 feet from the mirror at all times.

2. I must have my hands constantly occupied to prevent absent picking.

The thing about rules is, it still takes a strong will to follow them & no one is or should be enforcing them.

8. Inspirations. -they actually help a lot. They motivate me. Most of mine come from my scriptures. If I read my scriptures daily my resistance power gets really good.

9. Journaling. Well, I've never kept a good addiction journal. I have started a couple times, but I don't want my daily entry to be, "Alas, I failed!" In a creative streak I saw what my journal should be like and I think I could do it now. I could simply write a motivation, a scripture reference, draw picture, write a poem, or gab about the bane... whatever I was in the mood to do. I feel it will help me know I'm doing something to support my efforts daily, something positive I can point to and say, that's how I fought my bane today.

10. Tools for fidgety hands -work so well! I don't find myself peeling off a scab absent minded-ly, running to grab a tissue because I'm bleeding, finding things that absolutely drive me crazy which send me into a picking fest. So I crochet, make friendship bracelets, or play with something. My "fidget" was intensely useful. It's a ring that you roll up and down your fingers and it pokes your fingers as it moves. It was very satisfying and calming.

11. Talking to myself out loud on the way to the bathroom. "I am just going to look, I will not touch my face." -it helps a lot when I have felt something that would otherwise be the gateway to a pick fest.

12. Love & Patience. It was started with self hate & impatience with imperfection, so love & patience from others and from myself are a necessary support.

The most important rule in fighting addiction is, you can't give up on yourself. You have to believe that you can overcome it. The Little Engine That Could said, "I think I can!" He never would have made it up the hill if he was saying, "I know I can't." It can't be overstated, you have to believe in yourself. If nothing else, my many exclamations that I was done picking my face were affirmations and those exclamations said that I believe that I can overcome at last. I do believe.

My current thought is, "I'll be 25 in less than a month. I can't visualize my 25th birthday -a milestone birthday of maturity- with the bane of my existence in my mirror. I'm absolutely convinced that I won't be picking my face anymore for the rest of my life." It's okay to scoff at me for that, I know it sounds funny, but it is good that I feel this way & it is a very good omen.

If you have any questions or would like to hear more about the dark days of the addiction, don't hesitate to ask. My purpose in writing this is therapeutic, and if it aids in someone's fight in their addiction, that is absolutely beautiful. Good omens to you.

Be a Mormon

I don't want to be wishy washy about this, so I'll just say it. The Church is true. Which church? Why, just ask the elders... The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The thing is, once you have that beautiful witness from the Holy Spirit that this is the true church, you can rest assured that your feet are wisely planted and are on a sure path. I know it is true, but I don't want anyone to just take my word for it. You have to be changed by it so it can be a part of you. Any question that there is "one true church" ought to be thrown out because there can't be two and there can't be none (two inevitably contradicting and none-that's like saying truth doesn't exist). I also have to say, you can't put one foot in and say you know the religion. Hey, I'm still learning new things every day and it endears me more to my Heavenly Father and gives me greater witness to the truth of his work. The Mormon Church is unique in many ways, so if you read the Book of Mormon and pray about it and see that it truly is the word of God, then the rest of the religion must also be true because an unlearned man (Joseph Smith) could not have written it or translated it. One might wonder why it is so important to have the true church, especially when a person is righteous and good, it really shouldn't matter right? My response can be long winded, but I'll try to make it short- If you knew, you would know why it's important. The whole purpose of life is to try to follow the Savior, to follow him, you have to know what he says. (<- One of many reasons the truth is important). Another thing you should realize is, God is fair and because he delights to bless people and doesn't hold one person above another, all mankind will know, and decide with their knowledge, having every opportunity. God loves his children.

Also, don't waist time. Procrastinating is like shooting your faith in the foot. How can you walk happy knowing you have a hole in your foot? Embrace truth, embrace happiness, and you will be marvelous.

One might say, "But life is fun and blah blah blah, so I don't want to 'give up' anything even if it is true. The Mormons have too many rules." My response to that is, You always get more than you "give up". Every parent has rules for a reason, and as you live it, you see why. Don't learn everything the hard way. You don't want to find yourself struggling because you were foolish. Also, there are blessings tied to your obedience in following the commandments. Now, you should have no excuses. Be a Mormon. Never let a good thing pass you by my friend. It's absolutely true, so learn about it, pray about it, expect an answer, and let the answer come.

I say these things in the way I live my life, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I'm a Bug.

I've decided my life is much like a bug. A caterpillar infact. As a child I inch my way along, I'm fluffy, I eat as much as I want, aware of myself, but not much else, and there's this wonder that everyone knows I will grow up, but who will I be?

Then in High School, I slipped into my cocoon of awkwardness (A.K.A. "Pupa-ty") and didn't socialize much, but I spent my time thinking, dreaming, & working through my hormonal issues, crushing on boys to pass the time and deciding what I wanted to be as an adult.

College arrived and I tore out of my cocoon and flitted about (& flirted about), ready to meet my match. Now I have my own little nest of caterpillars.

I am a bug. A Butterfly.

Kitchen Adventures & food ramblings

I love baking. My summers seem to be full of pretzels & bagels. Last summer I made pretzels as "rewards for awesomeness" for the people in my circle who showed extreme levels of awesomeness. I loved it when I was invited to an afternoon tea... all I could think about was all the fun things I could make. I ended up making crumpets and scones. I think those girls are lovely for having an afternoon tea. I guess they must have pretzels coming their way.

I recently was asked to give a presentation entitled "peek-a-boo vegetables". I enjoyed hiding vegetables and making other yummy vegetable dishes like tempura. I like to make homemade ravioli. I also occasionally enjoy making cheese... I have a love affair with cheese. Someday I hope to be a cheese connoisseur. The different flavors it can have and the textures, the experience of making it feels so organic to me. My college roommate, Jen, is the one who got me interested in cooking. She showed me how to make cheese and she threw "bread parties" where she would invite a bunch of people over and they would bring flour and we would make an enormous pile of dough stretching over 2 tables with 5 people kneading it at least, then people in the kitchen making more to add. Once the dough had risen sufficient, people would grab pieces, run back to their apartments and bake pizzas, cinnamon rolls, bread sticks, pretzels, etc... and meet again to feast. Jen grew up in South Korea and so she had a flare for Korean cuisine. She threw a "Chusok" party which she described as a Korean thanksgiving party. My (then future husband) Nathan decided to hang out at our apartment a lot after that party.

I am currently planning on making a Lithuanian meal. I am half Lithuanian and I have barely tasted of their food. It's a very sad story. My Grandfather passed away when my dad was 7 and my grandmother passed when I was almost 5. She left a great legacy for me and people tell me that she was quite the cook. She made recipes for Betty Crocker, she organized a cookbook for the international society at Pittsburgh University, She made sausages and zepplini (meat stuffed potato dumplings), eggplant Parmesan, and of course, many other things... but these are the ones I am discovering. I made eggplant Parmesan and fell in love with it (I know, it's Italian, not Lithuanian. But who cares, it's amazing.) It's crispy, cheesy, creamy, it makes you snuggle your seat it is intensely delicious (The dessert of main courses). I'm preparing to make Lithuanian Sausages, Rye bread, cold beet soup, and rhubarb cake as my Lithuanian dinner... it will soon be followed by a zepplini dinner. I found the most lovely thing, it's my grandmother's recipe ledger. I made some of her recipes, the butterscotch shortbread, the bride's delight cookies, but the thing is, the recipes are written in old language, so it says things like very fast oven, fast oven, slow oven, and uses weird measurements like a "tumblerful" of eggs. I love making food that my Grandmother made, I imagine cooking with her. It deepens my love for her and my bond with her. Food is but a part of her amazing legacy.

Another exciting adventure coming up is Baked Alaska. I found a Thai flavored Baked Alaska recipe and I almost fell out of my seat. I love Thai food, to me they are the Kings of cuisine. Every time I think about making Thai food it makes me want to be a better gardener. Fresh food is essential to Thai cooking. I dream of being great at Thai dishes & making them regularly for my family. I love coconut. The more I learn about coconut the more I love it. The only other place in nature that the fats in coconuts are found is in human breast milk. I made a fabulously complicated coconut cake for My baby's first birthday party. I think I loved making it more than I loved eating it, but that can be said for most things. The party loved that cake.

Well, I have pretzels ready to boil and bake, so I had better get back to them. I'll post about my adventures as they happen. I love baking!

Mom-tastic-ness Defined

So, it seems that there are hoards of moms shouting about their opinions and "what it takes to be a good mom". There are moms who think if only they did everything better then they could be classified as a good mom, or if only they had a rainbow of talent and glowed with perfection could they admit to doing well as a mom. I admit, for a while I listened to the opinions and judged myself harshly because my kids watch too much TV, I slept Josh in his car seat for a couple months and let him have his bottle as he fell asleep. My house was rarely tidy and dinner was simple or MIA. I think Josh survived all those things and I don't think they made me a bad mom either. Don't get me wrong, any effort to be more awesome is definitely applauded and worthwhile and will support you in your continued efforts to bless your family. I would define these marks of excellence as motherhood merit badges. They aren't "necessary" but they help. Recently I earned my cloth diaper merit badge and potty training merit badge.

So what does it take to be a good mother? Well, what do you want your kids to turn out like? Me, I want my kids to be Christian in very deed. I want them to be smart, but more importantly, I want them to make wise choices for themselves. I want them to know who they are and stand strong on their happy path. So, in my opinion, what it takes to be a good mom is love. The kind of love I'm talking about is deep and ever abiding. It makes a kid strong when they are faced with temptation. It creates for the child a desire to do what is right in your sight. Things can get in the way of them realizing that love. Things like jealousy, low self esteem, anger, and being wallowed up in self pity. As a mom, I know those things might be (most likely are) ahead of me, and I intend to do all I can to clear the way and help my kids past their trials.

What does the community say it takes to be a good mother? well, many things, and I award merit badges for all of them. I had to realize that I am the expert on my children. Josh is amazing in social situations. When he watches Dora it's like he's a raging fan at a Beatles concert. yelling, jumping, very involved, dancing and guess what? learning. So, one mom might realize that her kids aren't doing well with TV and eliminate it. For me and my kids, it works. Moms are unique and their kids need those things that make their mom special. Me- I'm an uber-praiser and I get super excited about everything, I love making food, I love my faith, and I am entirely optimistic.

The pearl of wisdom I'm trying to display here is, You can't focus on what you're not or you'll never become what you want to be. If you want to motivate yourself, start telling yourself you're a good mom and love your kids. Loving them will motivate you more than a hoard of judgmental moms. Feel free to try things that you think are amazing, but if it's not your thing, let go of it and find something you enjoy. Find your sparkle and let it shine. You can't do that while dissing on yourself (or anyone else for that matter). We aren't a totem pole of moms, we're a sisterhood. We support each other and we don't stack each other up. So I'll leave you with that. You, my friend, are mom-tastic. (or femme-tasic they are interchangeable- as all women are endowed with the power to nurture if they so chose to use it).

The Switch to Cloth Diapers

My lovely baby Levi has never been able to wear any disposable diapers except Pampers, the most expensive brand with (in my own opinion) a sub-par absorbency. If he does wear an inferior brand, he gets an awful rash with welts and blisters and skin peeling. And with Pampers he leaks almost every time and I have to clean his pants and bedding every day. He is 17 months old and I finally decided to switch to cloth. Why did it take me so long? Fear. I remember my mom telling me how frustrating cloth diapers were and how disposables are the best invention since buttered toast. Also, I hate laundry and I'm not hiring a diaper service. So I looked up online where the hippie mom stores are in Portland (there are like 5 in the metro area). I picked one and honestly, I think I picked very well. They have a 30 day exchange policy. So if I find I don't like the kind I purchased, I can try something else. I was pretty nervous about switching, but once I did I realized a few things.

A. I was a fool for waiting so long! Not only are these diapers not hurting my baby or my wallet, I don't mind cleaning them. I actually get a bit of a happy feeling as I wash them because I'm saving money and saving the earth and doing what is best for my son. Plus, I don't have to clean his pants and bedding every day! (my laundry load has shrunk)

B. Since I'm not buying diapers for Levi anymore, I am definitely not buying them for my 3 1/2 year old. So, Joshua is now potty trained! Yay!!

C. People compliment me on Levi's diapers. They want to talk about it and they send me happy vibes.

If you are thinking of switching to cloth, just throw fear out your window and do it. The options have changed so much since my parents were doing it. And, some hippie mom places are awesome and let you try their stuff out before committing which is a huge comfort for me. If you're in Portland area the place is called Babyworks. I love them.

The Mom Sandbox

I love apartment life. Okay, I dream of homeownership, but I'm good where I am for now. This is the main reason why: Mom sandboxes. The particular complex that I live in is surrounded by mom sandboxes. There is a pool and hot tub, a playground, and Munchkin land down the hill for the rainy days. I go there with my kids to have fun, and I meet the moms that live here. It is so fun to have so many people living close by. It is almost effortless to make good friends here. Then it's super easy to stay in touch because they live here & you run into them all the time. Today I dropped Josh off on the bus and went to the pool with my baby Levi. I made three friends!

I call these places mom sandboxes because I've always heard it said that kids have it so easy making friends, they just sit in the sandbox with someone and they are automatically friends. Today is awesome.

Happy Birthday Ramblings

I always felt so lucky to have a summer birthday. I make quick friends with the Leo crowd... which is funny because I don't particularly believe in horoscopes. I never had to go to school on my birthday & I generally had my pick of activities. If you know me, you know I love attention, so picking a favorite moment in the birthday spotlight is quite difficult. I will relay to you some of my favorite memories (like a clip show) and hopefully land on one favorite.

I remember being woken up one summer morning with a camera in my face, surprised that it was my birthday. At the ripe age of 6, most kids are doing some sort of countdown. I loved being surprised with gifts and people celebrating me.

One birthday I went swimming at Lake Erie with the family (& My sister's friend) and we ate watermelon. On another, I went to day camp per my request -(this stupid boy said he had a surprise for me and he was really just stupid). One birthday I went to the huge wooden park in Marion and we had pizza. When I turned eleven, Dad, Krista, and I were at the Atlantic coast up in Maine and we had lobster and warm brownies with ice-cream for dinner. We went swimming in the ocean; it was a blast.

I once took two of my best buds to Cedar Point then, shamefully, I ignored them because I was boy crazy. *Pause* as I shake my head in disappointment at former me...

I enjoy the memory of mom's bathtub cake disaster. I invited my friend Laura over and I told her how amazing my mom was at making cakes and that she was making me a bathtub cake... the cake makes me happy, but it embarrassed mom so bad! There was a Barbie in a tinfoil swimsuit covered in frosting. The cake had overflowed in the oven. I love mom!

I really loved the birthday wishes I got in Utah at Education week. My favorite speaker had thousands of people wish me a happy birthday. There was a billboard with birthday wishes in one of the main buildings. I went to a dance (where I danced with cute boys!), and when I got back to the dorm my family was waiting there to bestow me with gifts and love. I think I cried a couple times because I was so happy that day. That day I received favorite birthday gift ever, it was a book Krista got for me, she wrote me a letter on the inside about how cool I am, it came with a card with a frog prince on it and was signed by all my favorite Education Week speakers and random cute boys.

My favorite cake was one of Barb's. It had toys in it! I thought that was the coolest thing ever. A treasure cake! I'll have to do that some time for my kids (while they're young). Of course, every birthday we would have presents placed on our heads and Dad would say, "Heavy heavy hangover, my poor head, what are you going to do with it?" You would say something like "wear it" and it would turn out to be a book. I enjoyed the infusion of bad birthday singing that came when Zach joined the family.

As it turned out, Josh was born on his Grandpa Jon's birthday. They celebrated their 1st and 50th together. It was really fun, the whole family got together & they got matching gifts like a Car and a matchbox car...

Levi's birthday is the first I ever had to plan. He was only turning one, so I made a fabulously complicated coconut cake and pretzels and told people to get him balloons (he was pretty obsessed with balloons). I had his picture taken and put it with his 1st year achievements and dates he accomplished each. It was fun.

It is kind of hilarious to me that Krista's birthday is so close to Halloween because she is scared of spiders, even plastic ones. They have long adorned her cakes and Birthday decor. I guess that's what you get for deciding to put mom in labor while she's trick or treating.

I am almost 25! How did I get so old? I used to laugh at my parents for forgetting how old they are, but I can barely remember my age anymore. There is a bit of nervousness that accompanies my Birthdays... I pressure myself a lot to be spectacularly awesome and every birthday it's like you stand next to you of yesteryear and compare, then decide if you've accomplished enough. Sadly, the answer is usually no, it's not enough. But I don't let despair ruin my spotlight moment. Birthdays are about what I am, the good I do and the ways I sparkle, lets not lose focus people. You have to believe in your awesomeness to achieve it! With that I will wish you many happy years and birthday extravaganzas. Don't forget-Aug. 17th, the day, I say, should be nationally celebrated. ;) {Also, I share the day with my Great Grandpa Konstantas Paukstus- in case you weren't jealous yet, that might be the icing on the cake}.

-Sarah ("Princess of Awesomeness") Mize

PS: I love you my family! Thank you for making my life rock.