The Fabulosity of it all...

Sometimes I wonder if I have landed on a patch of the world a little closer to heaven than anywhere I have ever been. The ladies are unique and legendary. They inspire me on every turn. The landscape is green and fruitful. Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I'm awake and I have a fabulosity detector in my nose. I love this place. I love the people. My heart aches to think at some undetermined day I will move. Portland area is a very fun place to live. The restaurants are fab, the variety of farms here means there is a vast array at farmers markets and there is definitely culture in Portland. The parks are great. My local "Pirate Park" is off a trail (meaning no car danger) with assets like a water feature emptying into a sandpit, two pirate ship themed structures (one for littles, one for bigger kids), an oasis with slides going both sides down the hill, eight swings, picnic benches, & a wrap around trail for trike races. It's like Kid Mecca. Then if I get tired of my house on a rainy day there are 2 indoor play places near by (Munchkin Playland is in walking distance, Out of This World is humongous) - their price makes it an occasional event, but it's always a blast and I meet other mom-tastic people. Then there is Waterfront park by the river in Portland. On Saturday this park is very populated because of Portland Saturday Market, a local artist, craft, & food fair that happens March-Christmas every Saturday. Waterfront park also has 2 "walk in" fountains, flowering trees, a historic Rock Garden (there are historic things written on giant rocks) and it is absolutely romantic and beautiful. I live about an hour from the coast & 30 min from Portland. The water at the coast is too cold for swimming, but it is beautiful and full of life. I like playing with the barnacles and poking sea anemones when the tide is low. I love the very place that I live. I'm next door to a playground, an indoor playground, a grocery store, my church, a farmers market, a nursery, a pool and hot tub, a fitness center, a Thai restaurant, a pizza place (& other restaurants) and the friendliest people. It is the easiest place to meet people and live comfortably. My only complaint is that I stink at container gardening and I would someday like to have a garden. Another plus is Nate's family lives near-ish and we get to see them 1-2 times a month. So many blessings!

More about Joshua

Alright, he's the most loving kid I've ever met. He is kind to kids who push him and take his toys. He loves his little brother so much and he is so obedient. I love everything about my son's personality. I often feel like Heavenly Father sent me one of his very best. I feel very blessed to be this kid's mother. I am touched by his heart and goodness every day. I really don't think I taught him that, he totally came to me this way.
He is behind in a couple areas: speech, comprehension... I worry about it. I wish I knew how to help him shine his light and communicate more effectively. Sometimes I ask him questions. He fidgets and I can never tell if he has understood what I've asked. He replies more often than he used to, but his replies are hard for me to understand and I'm never sure if he is actually answering my question. I take him to speech therapy & he has started talking to me more. I tell you, my heart sings when he says a full sentence or tells me about his day at school or when I hear him say a prayer. His first words were "thank you". If you know my son, you know those words are two of his favorites. I want to know if there is something more I should do. I'll pray about it, I think God has some important insight for me on this matter.

Blossom where you're planted

I like to think of myself as grateful and not wanting more than the good Lord has given me. There is one thing I falter on though. I dream, kind of obsessively, about homeownership. It runs my mind a lot. I get super excited for my friends when they get to that point. I think, "Ah, someday. Someday it will be my turn." Then I count the many reasons why I love my apartment and community life.
Lately I have been easily sent off to impatient daydreams. I'll see a young lady on a commercial go to her door to pick up her package of pet meds and start wondering how she got a house at such a young age and I get flustered that it isn't my picture. The day dreams used to be accompanied with details and a content feeling that someday it will happen. Now there are no details and there's an anxious feeling that it's so far off, my kids will grow up before we get there. I keep looking for things to comfort my heart on the matter. Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk on patience that really helped...
Here is a list of the things I think to calm down:
"You know the Lord has given you many miraculous blessings, there is always more in store for you."
"You need to be content with where you are and flourish there first."
"Count your many blessings and the anxiety will go away."
"Patience includes being happy on the road to where you're going."
"Think of all the reasons God has put you in this apartment. It is so easy to make and keep good friends and it is easy to do a lot of good for a lot of people. You also have great opportunities to share the gospel here."
-I often distract myself with ^that^ one.

I think about the parallels to high school... you know how teens all think they're ugly and compare themselves to everyone in the room creating a totem pole of sorts in their mind. It's kind of like me right now, putting myself at the bottom of a totem pole just because I don't have a house yet. These things are all so temporary and foolish. I am not less because I have less. Unless, of course, I let myself be less because I think of myself that way. I must seem like a spoiled child, given the richest eternal blessings in family and the gospel and so many temporal miracles, and I'm still so anxious for more. It's amazing how quickly I seem to assimilate and forget the beauty around me and get caught up in have-nots. I guess I'm just having a "green" couple weeks (and not the good kind of green). Really, I think I usually blossom where I'm planted and ignore the "Jones's" with their shiny house.
Writing this has been very therapeutic. I feel a bit of peace now. I know God loves me and He is helping me orchestrate my life; these experiences must be important to shaping my character. I'll just keep trying to become a woman of promise.
Matt 6:24-34
"Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:... Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."
-Mammon has the connotation of being the god of money or temporal things.

Grandma Ila

I feel like I was born into the best family. Grandma Ila was amazing. She made me my treasured care bear blankey. I brought it with me everywhere. When I was 5 I was entering kindergarten. My sister Krista told me that I had to give up my blankey because I was too old. I didn't believe her. What a silly concept! Giving up something I liked because other people didn't have one- not happening! I remember that I lost it at the Hill Cumora Pageant. I remember crying as we drove away. I loved going to visit grandma. She always had stargazer lilies, which are my favorite flower and they will always remind me of her. She had a very pretty rose garden, it was rectangular and there was an area of grass in the middle. There were often butterflies visiting. She really loved gardening. I loved her hugs. She always smelled like vanilla lotion. I get sentimental whenever I smell a garage because she had a huge basement/garage. We skated and played hide and seek and rode bikes and played Nintendo in that basement. Grandpa had a plane down there that he was building.

I loved her food. She made the most delicious slushie and parfait and oatmeal cookies and Christmas confections... then she also had a candy basket that we could pick from- So cool! She had the coolest toys whether you were taking a bath or playing with cousins. For bath toys she had a fisher price boat with little people and a dog and a ball chime that floated & this rubber duck family... I loved bath time. Then she had a toy/laundry room. She had this little kitchen that sits on a table. It had little plates and forks and spoons and cups and pots and pans. It was like 18 inches tall. Then she had 2 little desks, the prettiest dolls, dress up clothes, a fisher price little people town, pull toys and so forth... The older kids got to paint ceramics, I looked forward to doing it when I was older, but the kiln was gone by then. As a teenager I learned a lot about grandma. I went to visit with just grandma for a week while my cousins were on vacation. We played games and talked about lots of things. I remember that she was always complimenting me during games, telling me I was smart and clever. She told stories about our ancestors; she was very good at family history. We went out to lunch and talked about Zora and the gold rush and one of our ancestors owning 1/2 of what is now Anaheim, California? (I think that's right, I don't remember that detail too well though). I admired grandma. She came to visit when mom got her hip surgery. We went to the library and she told me how she loved reading novels. I read a novel while she was visiting because I knew it would impress her. I saw her reading scriptures one night and asked where she was reading, she told me about the story of Job. During that visit she also expressed to mom that she thought I was a little vain, I wasn't offended, just curious about how I came off that way, I get it now of course. My grandma had so much love in her heart it was nie impossible to be offended by her. My son Levi has her eyes, I often think of her when I look at his eyes. I love that she took the time to compile her personal and family history for me. I also enjoy the DVD my cousin made about her and grandpa. I read her stories and I would like so much to be like her. She inspires me to be a better mom, she inspires me to find out more about my family, read good novels, garden, and do everything with love. I loved her sense of humor. "What's the difference between eggs, a drum, and sex?" ->"You can beat eggs & you can beat a drum, but you can't beat sex." I was so pleased that she liked my husband Nate (not that I was worried she wouldn't like him). She told me I picked a good man. This huge feeling of happiness comes over me when I think about that. Whenever I think about how much I love my mom, that love definitely extends to my grandma Ila. My mom is funny and she shows her love in everything she does. She is the best person to have around when you're sick or sad. She has a knack for sympathy and taking care of a person. She would give her children everything she ever had. It's really motivating to me to know that my mom finds no greater joy than her children. In all my good pursuits I know it brings her joy and she's pleased with who I am and who I'm becoming. I love her heart. I admire the effort she puts into everything she does, she works really hard and she has definitely earned her selfless badge. My mom taught me about the gospel in everything she did. It is the best thing ever. I am so grateful that she showed me how much God loves me and how special I am. I rely on that every day. My mom worked hard to be a better and better mom, teaching me along the way. I am so grateful for my mom and all she taught me. I love my grandma Ila. Oh, if I could list the emotions- grateful, honored, humbled, (very) inspired, loved, & maybe a little guilty for having it so good. –{

Tameing Vanity & Letting Your Light Shine

I don't know what comes to your mind immediately with the word vanity, but for me it conjures up a woman looking in the mirror, much like Snow White's wicked step mother. Consumed by vanity, she wasn't content on being fair, she wanted to be "fairest of them all" and would be, no matter the cost.

The word vanity also recalls for me an instance of extreme dissatisfaction with my appearance, in which occasion, my grandma thought I was vain. "I'm not vain!" I thought to myself. "If anything, I'm the opposite of vain!" I have since gained a greater understanding of the concept of vanity. In my youth, I suffered with low self esteem and a scab ridden face, and I obsessed about my appearance. I was constantly trying to hide my scabs with makeup and would sometimes stay away from social events because I couldn't be seen in my current state. I know it affected my behavior greatly.

I would define vanity as an esteem produced from physical appearance which hinders your beneficial affect (taking into account people can be vain about fame which is intangible). Whether your effect is diminished because you are haughty or hiding, it is all vanity.

I taught a primary class in my last ward (A ward is a locality based division of church members). In this primary class was a girl for whom I will always have a special place in my heart. She was quite honest and she tested my vanity. The last lesson I gave to this class was about letting your light shine. I love teaching, it helps me evaluate my weakness and become better. This lesson made me think a lot. "What is hindering me from letting my light shine? How can I make my light like a city on a hill?" (Matt 5:15)

The answers came.

1. I realized that I had been trying to be a "Hot mom". I laugh about it now. I decided after much thought that my goal instead should be "Approachable", which I considered to be between "Let Go" and "Hot Mom". It took my focus from what the world expected and liked to what is appropriate and good in my eyes.

2. I could also find more opportunities to shine by getting out of the house (which would then create opportunities for friendship).

3. Also, keeping my house in visitable order would make it supportive to the cause.

4. Lastly, I could make my light brighter by becoming true (being true is a whole other posting). So, it seems to me that letting your light shine tames vanity.

Also, to note, that Vanity originates from the perceived judgement of society, and your light originates from Christ). (Doctrine & Covenants 88: 6-13, 3 Nephi 18:24)