Grandma Ila

I feel like I was born into the best family. Grandma Ila was amazing. She made me my treasured care bear blankey. I brought it with me everywhere. When I was 5 I was entering kindergarten. My sister Krista told me that I had to give up my blankey because I was too old. I didn't believe her. What a silly concept! Giving up something I liked because other people didn't have one- not happening! I remember that I lost it at the Hill Cumora Pageant. I remember crying as we drove away. I loved going to visit grandma. She always had stargazer lilies, which are my favorite flower and they will always remind me of her. She had a very pretty rose garden, it was rectangular and there was an area of grass in the middle. There were often butterflies visiting. She really loved gardening. I loved her hugs. She always smelled like vanilla lotion. I get sentimental whenever I smell a garage because she had a huge basement/garage. We skated and played hide and seek and rode bikes and played Nintendo in that basement. Grandpa had a plane down there that he was building.

I loved her food. She made the most delicious slushie and parfait and oatmeal cookies and Christmas confections... then she also had a candy basket that we could pick from- So cool! She had the coolest toys whether you were taking a bath or playing with cousins. For bath toys she had a fisher price boat with little people and a dog and a ball chime that floated & this rubber duck family... I loved bath time. Then she had a toy/laundry room. She had this little kitchen that sits on a table. It had little plates and forks and spoons and cups and pots and pans. It was like 18 inches tall. Then she had 2 little desks, the prettiest dolls, dress up clothes, a fisher price little people town, pull toys and so forth... The older kids got to paint ceramics, I looked forward to doing it when I was older, but the kiln was gone by then. As a teenager I learned a lot about grandma. I went to visit with just grandma for a week while my cousins were on vacation. We played games and talked about lots of things. I remember that she was always complimenting me during games, telling me I was smart and clever. She told stories about our ancestors; she was very good at family history. We went out to lunch and talked about Zora and the gold rush and one of our ancestors owning 1/2 of what is now Anaheim, California? (I think that's right, I don't remember that detail too well though). I admired grandma. She came to visit when mom got her hip surgery. We went to the library and she told me how she loved reading novels. I read a novel while she was visiting because I knew it would impress her. I saw her reading scriptures one night and asked where she was reading, she told me about the story of Job. During that visit she also expressed to mom that she thought I was a little vain, I wasn't offended, just curious about how I came off that way, I get it now of course. My grandma had so much love in her heart it was nie impossible to be offended by her. My son Levi has her eyes, I often think of her when I look at his eyes. I love that she took the time to compile her personal and family history for me. I also enjoy the DVD my cousin made about her and grandpa. I read her stories and I would like so much to be like her. She inspires me to be a better mom, she inspires me to find out more about my family, read good novels, garden, and do everything with love. I loved her sense of humor. "What's the difference between eggs, a drum, and sex?" ->"You can beat eggs & you can beat a drum, but you can't beat sex." I was so pleased that she liked my husband Nate (not that I was worried she wouldn't like him). She told me I picked a good man. This huge feeling of happiness comes over me when I think about that. Whenever I think about how much I love my mom, that love definitely extends to my grandma Ila. My mom is funny and she shows her love in everything she does. She is the best person to have around when you're sick or sad. She has a knack for sympathy and taking care of a person. She would give her children everything she ever had. It's really motivating to me to know that my mom finds no greater joy than her children. In all my good pursuits I know it brings her joy and she's pleased with who I am and who I'm becoming. I love her heart. I admire the effort she puts into everything she does, she works really hard and she has definitely earned her selfless badge. My mom taught me about the gospel in everything she did. It is the best thing ever. I am so grateful that she showed me how much God loves me and how special I am. I rely on that every day. My mom worked hard to be a better and better mom, teaching me along the way. I am so grateful for my mom and all she taught me. I love my grandma Ila. Oh, if I could list the emotions- grateful, honored, humbled, (very) inspired, loved, & maybe a little guilty for having it so good. –{

Tameing Vanity & Letting Your Light Shine

I don't know what comes to your mind immediately with the word vanity, but for me it conjures up a woman looking in the mirror, much like Snow White's wicked step mother. Consumed by vanity, she wasn't content on being fair, she wanted to be "fairest of them all" and would be, no matter the cost.

The word vanity also recalls for me an instance of extreme dissatisfaction with my appearance, in which occasion, my grandma thought I was vain. "I'm not vain!" I thought to myself. "If anything, I'm the opposite of vain!" I have since gained a greater understanding of the concept of vanity. In my youth, I suffered with low self esteem and a scab ridden face, and I obsessed about my appearance. I was constantly trying to hide my scabs with makeup and would sometimes stay away from social events because I couldn't be seen in my current state. I know it affected my behavior greatly.

I would define vanity as an esteem produced from physical appearance which hinders your beneficial affect (taking into account people can be vain about fame which is intangible). Whether your effect is diminished because you are haughty or hiding, it is all vanity.

I taught a primary class in my last ward (A ward is a locality based division of church members). In this primary class was a girl for whom I will always have a special place in my heart. She was quite honest and she tested my vanity. The last lesson I gave to this class was about letting your light shine. I love teaching, it helps me evaluate my weakness and become better. This lesson made me think a lot. "What is hindering me from letting my light shine? How can I make my light like a city on a hill?" (Matt 5:15)

The answers came.

1. I realized that I had been trying to be a "Hot mom". I laugh about it now. I decided after much thought that my goal instead should be "Approachable", which I considered to be between "Let Go" and "Hot Mom". It took my focus from what the world expected and liked to what is appropriate and good in my eyes.

2. I could also find more opportunities to shine by getting out of the house (which would then create opportunities for friendship).

3. Also, keeping my house in visitable order would make it supportive to the cause.

4. Lastly, I could make my light brighter by becoming true (being true is a whole other posting). So, it seems to me that letting your light shine tames vanity.

Also, to note, that Vanity originates from the perceived judgement of society, and your light originates from Christ). (Doctrine & Covenants 88: 6-13, 3 Nephi 18:24)

I always mean to..

There's a list of things I sometimes accomplish, and a list of things I rarely accomplish, but the intent is always there. On this list are things like actually getting and keeping the house in order, fasting once a month (for religious reasons), exercising, going to the temple once a week, holding "Family Home Evening" (a family gathering on Mondays in which we talk about things we want our family to learn), and keeping the sabbath day holy.

Today is Sunday, guess which one I'm thinking of now. Yep, keeping the Sabbath day Holy. Sunday is a day that things are supposed to be clean and in place so you can rest and think about things less temporal. Preparing for the Sabbath on Saturday is necessary. I tend to have some trouble with staying on top of my chores any day, but Saturday is always so full of good & fun things that chores seem to find their place last on my Saturday list, which means they end up being left for Sunday. On Sunday I often have company, so after inadvertently leaving my mess until last on Saturday and never getting to it, I have to clean my home on the Sabbath. This problem enters my mind every Sunday. What blessings am I missing out on because I do things this way? What blessings is my family missing out on? I mean, cleaning isn't the only way I remove the meaning from the day. We've often got cartoons running all morning and the hubby is on video games and on really hot days we go swimming. There's nothing wrong with swimming or doing chores or cartoons and video games, but on this special day our thoughts ought to be turned to things of an eternal nature. I will let you share a brain wave with me for a moment as I tangent on a related subject. There are special blessings tied to paying Tithing. It's not always easy to give up one tenth of all your income, but it's a part of the law of sacrifice. On the same lines, it is definitely not easy to prepare so dutifully on Saturday that Sunday can be fully devoted to the Lord. Again, it takes special sacrifice- not doing what one usually would do. And again, the blessings promised for your obedience are always more than you imagined. As I think about it, Sunday seems so much more to me now than it seemed to be yesterday. It is a day we dress in our best and dedicate ourselves to loving and learning from the Savior, a day of reverence. The Sabbath, when done properly, it can be a great instrument in building my family and building my home as a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. I see now that on Saturday I prepare my home to be visited by the Savior. Oh! That puts a nice twinkle on the story of Mary and Martha! When Christ came to her home, Martha was busy doing good things like cleaning and preparing food for him, and she missed out on better things. As Martha worked, Mary sat and learned at the Savior's feet, choosing the better part. I never thought of that as a parable of Sunday before. I love it! That changes everything. I feel a great desire now to prepare my home every week for that special day so I can learn at the Savior's feet with my family.

Face Picker!

My deep dark underbelly and thorn in my side is my addiction to picking my face. Believe me, it's worse than it sounds. It has been dubbed a family curse (as I share the addiction with two others in my family). Through my youth it was a daily ritual that I would go to the mirror and forget about time as I squeezed the life out of every pore in my face, digging under every scab and creating more than just a swollen mess. I would put up my spiky shield, so anyone who dared to try to stop me would think twice next time. It was really embarrassing. I would go to school every day with a swollen scabbed over face, then sometimes I would pick during class and I would start bleeding. It was a serious contender to my self esteem and confidence. It definitely held me back. It was a big player of the worst time in my life. With time, it has gotten better. I no longer have a spiky shield and I think I'm pretty awesome which really helps. I can't say I'm over it... not yet, I have said it so many times I think people have stopped believing me. I don't think anyone would point the finger to say I was lying, but because I slipped up and spiraled out of control again, my credibility with that statement has worn thin. I've had this bane for about 13 years... so, over half my young life. It's been a long and bloody battle.

Here are the tools I've employed to fight this monster:

1. Incentives -never work!

2. Tracking progress -almost works.

3. Lights out in the bathroom - it would work, but the light has to be on sometimes... and it doesn't solve the problem of absent minded picking. It works equally as well as limiting my bathroom access because, eventually, I will be in there. Also, I must note, gloves are useless and I don't need nails to pick.

4. Prayer & blessings. -My theory on these is, my desire to pick is overcoming me and I have let it become stronger than any other desire, so until my desire is different, God won't control me. It's part of life to learn to overcome the "natural man" or the natural inclination to sin. He can and does support me. So, prayer & blessings work if I let them.

5. Writing on the mirror, on my hands, on the door... -doesn't work.

6. Talking about it -well, it sometimes makes me want to do it, sometimes it helps me understand my problem better. So -flip a coin.

7. Rule sets. -My current rules are:

1. I must be 2 feet from the mirror at all times.

2. I must have my hands constantly occupied to prevent absent picking.

The thing about rules is, it still takes a strong will to follow them & no one is or should be enforcing them.

8. Inspirations. -they actually help a lot. They motivate me. Most of mine come from my scriptures. If I read my scriptures daily my resistance power gets really good.

9. Journaling. Well, I've never kept a good addiction journal. I have started a couple times, but I don't want my daily entry to be, "Alas, I failed!" In a creative streak I saw what my journal should be like and I think I could do it now. I could simply write a motivation, a scripture reference, draw picture, write a poem, or gab about the bane... whatever I was in the mood to do. I feel it will help me know I'm doing something to support my efforts daily, something positive I can point to and say, that's how I fought my bane today.

10. Tools for fidgety hands -work so well! I don't find myself peeling off a scab absent minded-ly, running to grab a tissue because I'm bleeding, finding things that absolutely drive me crazy which send me into a picking fest. So I crochet, make friendship bracelets, or play with something. My "fidget" was intensely useful. It's a ring that you roll up and down your fingers and it pokes your fingers as it moves. It was very satisfying and calming.

11. Talking to myself out loud on the way to the bathroom. "I am just going to look, I will not touch my face." -it helps a lot when I have felt something that would otherwise be the gateway to a pick fest.

12. Love & Patience. It was started with self hate & impatience with imperfection, so love & patience from others and from myself are a necessary support.

The most important rule in fighting addiction is, you can't give up on yourself. You have to believe that you can overcome it. The Little Engine That Could said, "I think I can!" He never would have made it up the hill if he was saying, "I know I can't." It can't be overstated, you have to believe in yourself. If nothing else, my many exclamations that I was done picking my face were affirmations and those exclamations said that I believe that I can overcome at last. I do believe.

My current thought is, "I'll be 25 in less than a month. I can't visualize my 25th birthday -a milestone birthday of maturity- with the bane of my existence in my mirror. I'm absolutely convinced that I won't be picking my face anymore for the rest of my life." It's okay to scoff at me for that, I know it sounds funny, but it is good that I feel this way & it is a very good omen.

If you have any questions or would like to hear more about the dark days of the addiction, don't hesitate to ask. My purpose in writing this is therapeutic, and if it aids in someone's fight in their addiction, that is absolutely beautiful. Good omens to you.

Be a Mormon

I don't want to be wishy washy about this, so I'll just say it. The Church is true. Which church? Why, just ask the elders... The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The thing is, once you have that beautiful witness from the Holy Spirit that this is the true church, you can rest assured that your feet are wisely planted and are on a sure path. I know it is true, but I don't want anyone to just take my word for it. You have to be changed by it so it can be a part of you. Any question that there is "one true church" ought to be thrown out because there can't be two and there can't be none (two inevitably contradicting and none-that's like saying truth doesn't exist). I also have to say, you can't put one foot in and say you know the religion. Hey, I'm still learning new things every day and it endears me more to my Heavenly Father and gives me greater witness to the truth of his work. The Mormon Church is unique in many ways, so if you read the Book of Mormon and pray about it and see that it truly is the word of God, then the rest of the religion must also be true because an unlearned man (Joseph Smith) could not have written it or translated it. One might wonder why it is so important to have the true church, especially when a person is righteous and good, it really shouldn't matter right? My response can be long winded, but I'll try to make it short- If you knew, you would know why it's important. The whole purpose of life is to try to follow the Savior, to follow him, you have to know what he says. (<- One of many reasons the truth is important). Another thing you should realize is, God is fair and because he delights to bless people and doesn't hold one person above another, all mankind will know, and decide with their knowledge, having every opportunity. God loves his children.

Also, don't waist time. Procrastinating is like shooting your faith in the foot. How can you walk happy knowing you have a hole in your foot? Embrace truth, embrace happiness, and you will be marvelous.

One might say, "But life is fun and blah blah blah, so I don't want to 'give up' anything even if it is true. The Mormons have too many rules." My response to that is, You always get more than you "give up". Every parent has rules for a reason, and as you live it, you see why. Don't learn everything the hard way. You don't want to find yourself struggling because you were foolish. Also, there are blessings tied to your obedience in following the commandments. Now, you should have no excuses. Be a Mormon. Never let a good thing pass you by my friend. It's absolutely true, so learn about it, pray about it, expect an answer, and let the answer come.

I say these things in the way I live my life, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I'm a Bug.

I've decided my life is much like a bug. A caterpillar infact. As a child I inch my way along, I'm fluffy, I eat as much as I want, aware of myself, but not much else, and there's this wonder that everyone knows I will grow up, but who will I be?

Then in High School, I slipped into my cocoon of awkwardness (A.K.A. "Pupa-ty") and didn't socialize much, but I spent my time thinking, dreaming, & working through my hormonal issues, crushing on boys to pass the time and deciding what I wanted to be as an adult.

College arrived and I tore out of my cocoon and flitted about (& flirted about), ready to meet my match. Now I have my own little nest of caterpillars.

I am a bug. A Butterfly.

Kitchen Adventures & food ramblings

I love baking. My summers seem to be full of pretzels & bagels. Last summer I made pretzels as "rewards for awesomeness" for the people in my circle who showed extreme levels of awesomeness. I loved it when I was invited to an afternoon tea... all I could think about was all the fun things I could make. I ended up making crumpets and scones. I think those girls are lovely for having an afternoon tea. I guess they must have pretzels coming their way.

I recently was asked to give a presentation entitled "peek-a-boo vegetables". I enjoyed hiding vegetables and making other yummy vegetable dishes like tempura. I like to make homemade ravioli. I also occasionally enjoy making cheese... I have a love affair with cheese. Someday I hope to be a cheese connoisseur. The different flavors it can have and the textures, the experience of making it feels so organic to me. My college roommate, Jen, is the one who got me interested in cooking. She showed me how to make cheese and she threw "bread parties" where she would invite a bunch of people over and they would bring flour and we would make an enormous pile of dough stretching over 2 tables with 5 people kneading it at least, then people in the kitchen making more to add. Once the dough had risen sufficient, people would grab pieces, run back to their apartments and bake pizzas, cinnamon rolls, bread sticks, pretzels, etc... and meet again to feast. Jen grew up in South Korea and so she had a flare for Korean cuisine. She threw a "Chusok" party which she described as a Korean thanksgiving party. My (then future husband) Nathan decided to hang out at our apartment a lot after that party.

I am currently planning on making a Lithuanian meal. I am half Lithuanian and I have barely tasted of their food. It's a very sad story. My Grandfather passed away when my dad was 7 and my grandmother passed when I was almost 5. She left a great legacy for me and people tell me that she was quite the cook. She made recipes for Betty Crocker, she organized a cookbook for the international society at Pittsburgh University, She made sausages and zepplini (meat stuffed potato dumplings), eggplant Parmesan, and of course, many other things... but these are the ones I am discovering. I made eggplant Parmesan and fell in love with it (I know, it's Italian, not Lithuanian. But who cares, it's amazing.) It's crispy, cheesy, creamy, it makes you snuggle your seat it is intensely delicious (The dessert of main courses). I'm preparing to make Lithuanian Sausages, Rye bread, cold beet soup, and rhubarb cake as my Lithuanian dinner... it will soon be followed by a zepplini dinner. I found the most lovely thing, it's my grandmother's recipe ledger. I made some of her recipes, the butterscotch shortbread, the bride's delight cookies, but the thing is, the recipes are written in old language, so it says things like very fast oven, fast oven, slow oven, and uses weird measurements like a "tumblerful" of eggs. I love making food that my Grandmother made, I imagine cooking with her. It deepens my love for her and my bond with her. Food is but a part of her amazing legacy.

Another exciting adventure coming up is Baked Alaska. I found a Thai flavored Baked Alaska recipe and I almost fell out of my seat. I love Thai food, to me they are the Kings of cuisine. Every time I think about making Thai food it makes me want to be a better gardener. Fresh food is essential to Thai cooking. I dream of being great at Thai dishes & making them regularly for my family. I love coconut. The more I learn about coconut the more I love it. The only other place in nature that the fats in coconuts are found is in human breast milk. I made a fabulously complicated coconut cake for My baby's first birthday party. I think I loved making it more than I loved eating it, but that can be said for most things. The party loved that cake.

Well, I have pretzels ready to boil and bake, so I had better get back to them. I'll post about my adventures as they happen. I love baking!