Christmas

Why is it meaningful?

Jesus was Born.  

In this there is love expressed, that he descended from his divine throne and descended below all things, even that he made himself a little lower than the angels.  He took our  burdens & brokenness on his shoulders & made himself low to lift us up.  

This makes me think of a parent with their little child, bending down to their level to communicate something really important.  This parent wants to make it as easy as possible for us to understand how precious we are in His heart, how deeply he loves us.  He doesn’t just stand up & leave when he has communicated this, he lifts you up, carries you, feeds you, comforts you, and teaches you.  How joyous it is to be in His arms!

The Circumstance:

The circumstance was about as humble as you can get.  In a foreign town, in a cave, surrounded by animals and their smells, only his mom and stepdad were there when the King of Kings was born.  After a few special moments with their new little one, the Father announced the birth and called his first visitors to come and see his son. Who were these honored guests to be?  Would they be royal? Would he choose a priest? Would they be well known?  Would they be men of repute in society?  No, the father chose shepherds who were watching their flocks at night.  They are just shepherds, and they are the first to see their Savior.  To me, the circumstance of this great event and the first chosen guests are an evidence of how God thinks about us.  He’s not worried about your job, your humble home, your place in society, your amount of influence.  This was the moment Glory came to Earth, arguably one of the most momentous occasions and select few were to behold Emmanuel as a baby.  The Father’s choice of his first guests says to me, “You do not have to be famous, wealthy, or in a specific job or high circumstance for me to want to reach out to you and show you the most marvelous things of my kingdom.  You, in your messiness, in your humility of circumstance, YOU are important to me.” Do you think that you are not important enough to warrant being on the scene of God’s miracles?  Think Again.  If you think God does not work in such humble circumstance, you couldn’t be more wrong.  He chose a cave for the birth of His Holy son.  Do not pride yourself- that your ability is limiting to what God can do through you.  Tell me, who was Mary? Would we know her name if God had not called her? He poured favor over her and magnified her to be the mother of His Holy son simply because she said yes to the call.  Who are you? Are you Rich or Poor?  Famous or Private? Are you simple or complex? Whoever you are, God knows your name.  He has a beautiful purpose for you to birth.  Mary could have said no, and so can we.  In saying yes though, we have to trust him.  Do you trust him?  What about when things seem to be going sideways & suddenly, you’re 9 months pregnant on a donkey to another city? Then you are shown a cave full of farm animals and this is your delivery suite? As you submit to God’s plan and let him steer your course, submitting to His plan and trusting His providence, He puts you where you need to be & watches over the details.  Perhaps, Mary was grateful for the privacy and for those few moments with her new little family before her babe was handed over to his purpose: to bring Joy to the world, to establish our peace, to be our light.  She had these moments first, she held him, & fed him, & kissed his little face.  

Mary is such an example of submissiveness… from her response to the call which Angel Gabriel spoke to her all the way through the chill “God’s got us” attitude she seemed to express as she entered a cave of farm animals to deliver a baby.  She received the “Holy Rest of God” which is a gift of the Holy Spirit and allows you to be at peace regardless of circumstance.

Then there is Joseph.  I imagine him sometimes being just stunned by revelations, but moving forward because that’s what you do.  I imagine him carrying toddler Jesus on his shoulders, showing him how to walk, telling him that it hurts when you tug on beard hairs.  I imagine this and think of how remarkable these simple moments are, Jesus would carry the world on his shoulders some day.  He would walk on water, He would turn the other cheek to those who would “pluck out the hairs”.  Joseph taught the trade of carpentry to his stepson.  I wonder at that too- that Jesus could likely identify the wood he carried, and many times he had nailed pieces together to frame different works, how many times did he accidentally hit his thumb before hitting the nail?  How sad it is to think that the carpenter’s son would meet this end- with nails and wood.  I think of his prayer in the garden… when he says, “Not my will, but thine be done.”  He had humanity, a desire to not experience pain, a desire to eat every time his tummy grumbled, a desire to continue his life, but he chose the will of the Spirit and lived not under the rule of those mortal desires.

So, it’s his Birthday- or the day we celebrate his birth anyways.  We celebrate the firstborn of the Father.  We celebrate the impact he has had on our lives.  We celebrate gratitude for our Lord who came and lived among men.  He who then died for our sins, yet, through his eternal nature, he rose again! He took down the victory of death and offered us Eternal life & resurrection to wholeness.  He tore the thick veil in the temple because we are now invited into the presence of God and His temple is in us.  We are Living stones built off of the chief cornerstone! We are a Royal Priesthood under the Son of David!  Why are you grateful for Jesus?  What would he want for his Birthday?

I hope you have a Merry Christmas.  I hope that even if you have humble circumstances this year, or even if you are alone, that the Holy Spirit is there with you and comforts you and reminds you how valuable and important you are in His heart.

Prayer- The forgotten weapon

I have been in a season of learning a lot about prayer. For most of my personal journey, I have focused on understanding and applying scripture to a good walk before God and prayer has always been a part of that- like turning in my research paper and getting a sticker on it that says, “Good job!”. When I went full on into research mode and ended up leaving the faith tradition which I was raised in, my faith journey had become very logical and cerebral. I needed to have a lot of information about something before I would be open to experience. In building up my understanding of theology and who God is, I had unknowingly developed a theology that put up walls between me and God in many areas. It started to be a very intense process on my end to come before Him and experience His love. I had to climb a mountain of research and learn something and then God could touch my heart about what I had learned. 
 It is so good to learn things about God and His word, but in 1 Corinthians 13, it says that you could speak with the tongue of angels and it would be as a tinking cymbal if you do not have the love. Love is the spirit that fills the caverns of knowledge with light and meaning and purpose. Love makes food out of words. I got to a place in my logic based journey with God where I didn’t really believe in the power of God among men- I didn’t believe in 1 Corinthians 12 or 14, I found them curious, but didn’t quite understand what they meant for me. That kind of makes me laugh because of how much I treasured the chapter in the middle. I drew near to God with my lips, but my heart felt lonely and far from him. I had a form of Godliness in understanding text, but denied the power of God in action. 
 I am in an almost constant state of self reflection, but without allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to me, my self reflection had become surprisingly dense. I didn’t realize that I had been eating the fruit of the enemy. Opening the door for him to stir up anger and bitterness and self pity and relational strife. I didn’t realize there was a spiritual warfare going on around me. Even if I had, I didn’t know how to fight. It seemed like believing in spiritual warfare was just an archaic way of looking at mental illness. Because I hadn’t experienced anything “supernatural” like ghosts or demons, my logic said that they must be rather inactive in my life if they existed. I thought I was just being impacted by a circumstance that sucked. I didn’t realize the enemy could use the circumstance to gain power over my emotions and by so doing, influence my whole household. I didn’t realize I could pick up power to live above circumstance in the peace and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. How does one retain the Holy Spirit in the midst of circumstances that aren’t ideal? Scriptures help, but if your heart is stony (as mine had become), it is hard to partake of the healing and nourishment there. I wondered why God had left me alone and I needed to feel His love, I was desperate for it. What could I do when all I had done before brought no breakthrough? 
 My thoughts on this subject were closing in on something important as I pondered over this experience, “Why is it this hard for me- I have a lot of experience with God and His word, Why is it so hard for me to feel him near? If it is this hard for me, how does anyone come to Christ? Surely not everyone is required to climb this mountain of research. Not everyone can research- how do they meet with God? Is their experience just designed to be less fruitful and full? That doesn’t seem correct, what am I missing? God doesn’t love me more because I can research- He loves us all with the same eternal love.” I was praying, don’t get me wrong. But I was in a state of spiritual illness, the poison of the enemy had plugged up my senses so that I couldn’t experience God. I didn’t know it- I didn’t know I was in a warfare, I didn’t know how I got so far from God. So in my reaching, I needed to hear how people became converted to Christ. I looked it up on Youtube and I heard these remarkable stories of God moving in power.

I watched these people tell their stories and I am a digger, and I had so many thoughts and such skepticism as they spoke of these miraculous encounters… Are these people being honest? Why did God give these very physical physical evidence of the spiritual world? I concluded that demons are likely scary and I should just be glad they aren’t around me. I said a prayer and told God I was grateful that I had never encountered an evil spirit. I then decided on a whim, without even an ounce of expectation (I wouldn’t even know what to expect), I said, “Just in case, if there is an evil spirit on me, I remove it in the name of Jesus Christ.” Immediately, my back felt hot, bright, peaceful, and joyous… just my back. It was peculiar. I wasn’t angry or bitter, my self pity was gone. I had love- a lot of love for the Mormons. I had a person in mind immediately who I needed to reconnect with. God had moved. I prayed and thanked him for showing me that he works in this way. I started listening to different people. Charismatics… who even am I right now? But this unlocked an important truth to me. People need a real God. I had always connected with God in a way that is honestly, not readily available to a good percentage of people. I have a strange passion for learning about God intellectually and it’s good, but it’s not everyone’s path to a fruitful relationship. People need God to move- they need to feel the Holy Spirit. If you are in a conversation with someone who is angry and convinced of their position- should you join with them to argue? Should you leave them to their demons? I think that prayer is the sacred weapon that I had forgotten about. It takes courage for a girl like me to ask someone if I can pray over them. I had always worked only with what God had already planted in me, I hadn’t tried actually inviting God to the situation. So, prayer. It’s like this feather at first- it looks weak and is easily missed… but then it grows into this great and powerful eagle. It draws an army to your side, it calls down the fire of heaven and it is earth shaking. Prayer carries all the gifts of the Spirit- it is our channel to God. God Almighty, Omnipotent, Love Eternal, our Counselor who desires to speak with us ALWAYS! Seasons of silence are not God’s plan. This is only the first step. What a beautiful step it is! What power exists in understanding God wants to be near you more than you want to be near him. He died to be near you. Pray. Lean in.  

Abandoned blog suddenly updates

October 22 2017 - I edited my writing and re-released this post-
I am re-picking up this blog because I found that I write in the least confusing manner here.  I want my family to have somewhere to go to answer their questions about me. Because this became much about my religious thoughts, I should let you know where I am at. (I was giving the LDS church another shot and was reading the Book of Mormon and researching like mad and I had a psychotic break April 2013, I was on heavy meds for 6 months and experienced a dark depression that summer, at the end of October 2013, My psychiatrist let me off med. Nate also lost his Job at the end of October 2013) For the two years of my husband's unemployment I was a missionary, I was temple attending, I was so lovingly Mormon.  I highlighted, made inserts for, and delivered the most beautifully given gift of a Book of Mormon to my friend.  I put it with chocolate and the message, "Just like with this chocolate bar, you have to open it to enjoy its contents. ;)"  I then started in on the Book of Mormon project for another friend of mine who was without a testimony of Christ, so I figured I would center focus on Him as I prepared it.  It also prompted me to write a research paper on the three witnesses- complete with bibliography at the end [Welcome to the Summer of 2014]! I didn't end up finishing this second Book of Mormon gift.  I remember vividly the moment the unemployment was finally over [less than a week before Halloween 2015].  I walked into the house and Nate lay on the couch in the living room with a look of dread.  Worried, I asked him what happened... "I was accepted for a job."  Not what I was expecting.  I wanted to celebrate, but he was so worried.  He had to leave for 3 weeks to train for his job in Arizona.  He came back to Portland just before Thanksgiving.  My thoughts were, "How peaceful, how nice to be at the end of this trial.  Everything is right." I had learned in those years which I fondly called "The crash course in discipleship" to trust God, trust that He is aware of me and has my situation in His capable and loving hands and there is so much more to it than I can see.  I thought not just, "God sees where this path is heading", but "God sees the importance of each moment in Eternity- even this really lame moment, God sees it and knows why it is here."  It gave me peace in the storm.  So, with the storm settling, and things as they should be, I felt God's favor had finally shined on us.  The peace was wonderful.

Except, I had wondered about what God would do with one like me- though I tried so hard to grow and be with God, I could see that my testimony of the LDS faith had become this scarred testimony and wasn't able to catch fire in my heart the way it used to.  I struggled to feel Him near- I worked really hard for touches of love and the spirit.  I felt like I had been trying to amend the wrong I had done to God in questioning my faith. I thought the distance was due to some sin.  I was trying to work off the sin for a proper show of contrition.  I sat in my bed one night, contemplating these things and the fact I had thought that this feeling would get better once the trial had been lifted.  I had thought that connection would be restored.  I sat up in my bed, I prayed and asked God to remove the scar from my testimony and from my heart, heal it with the atonement.  I know that the atonement means there is no gap too wide that it cannot be healed.  I know that God loves me and that He wants that close relationship as much as I do.  I know that my Savior died so that gaps like this could be healed." and I went to sleep, confident that God would honor this prayer, apply the atonement and bridge the gap.  Within the week, someone commented after a testimony I left on a youtube video which cast Joseph Smith in a poor light.  A conversation began and eventually, someone encouraged me watch a video by Earl Erskine.  Earl was a former bishop, he had devoted his long life to the church and loves the members with all his heart.  He spoke so lovingly it disarmed my defenses.  He talked about the humble way he found his way out of LDS faith.  He took a challenge from the then Prophet, President Hinkley, to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year.  He finished early and picked up an 1830 version to read.  He saw huge differences in the very nature of God being portrayed.  The LDS people love their doctrines and one in particular is the belief that there is a Godhead made of three separate beings.  In the 1830 version, it says that God the very Eternal Father is the Son of Mary.  As an LDS person this should strike alarm for a number of reasons.  First, the very beginning of the church, before the Book of Mormon was The First Vision- there are a few different ways it is told, but the accepted doctrinal version in the LDS church says that God the Father was standing next to Jesus Christ as they told Joseph Smith that none of the churches were correct. Joseph's scribe for the Book of Mormon was Oliver Cowdery.  He said that the seer stone would not let Joseph go from one word to the next without having it right.  How is it that Joseph had translated words that spoke of a Trinitarian God if he saw them as separate beings? In fact- the first vision account we have in the Joseph Smith History part of the Pearl of Great Price is the most late written of all accounts of that vision and is the only one that speaks of two personages.  It was released shortly before the reprinting of the Book of Mormon with the now 'three distinct beings' nature of God.  The importance of this is that it is not a story of a flawed, human prophet- it is the story of restored doctrine.  It is the story of central doctrinal truths being restored and then re-restored flipped on their heads.  Every piece of canon had a big restoration flaw- (but I will not go into it all here).  The question went through my mind- "Would God restore false doctrine through his prophet?" "How does 1830 Book of Mormon make sense with the first vision account in the pearl of great price? Is it Trinity or three separate beings?"

In Deuteronomy 18:20-22 God protects us with a test we can administer to men who claim to be prophets.  I believe this test to be more reliable and honest than one where you feel by the spirit what to do. Our hearts are very hard to know sometimes. Sometimes we may have misappropriated the feeling to make it into a confirmation of a corporate body when it was intended to let you know of God's love or establish something simple. How do the LDS answer for the fact people have feelings of the Spirit while reading the Quaran and that it was just as miraculously brought to Islam as the Book of Mormon was to the LDS people. I don't feel that a later work should be allowed to skip past the tests outlined in the first work.  It should also be in agreement with the first work.

Happily, Brother Erskine didn't leave it there- demolition of faith done, and walk away.  He continued to lovingly express his faith in the Savior and encouragement to read the Bible.  Peace rested all around me. Fire of the Holy Spirit consumed my heart, healing the wound which had been there. "You will be ok," is the peace the spirit spoke.  A tear fell down my cheek because what was done could not be undone- my family, my dear husband would sorrow and have pain as my faith has been changed.  I felt divine love surround me.  Also, the knowledge settled in my mind- "Yes, you work hard, and yes, you are flawed, but because of Jesus Christ, you are accepted in Me." - "Accepted!"  I hadn't felt that before.  I had felt striving to be good enough to earn enough faith points and an emphasis on work pulling the experience of God's love along behind it... this overwhelming feeling of gifted love and acceptance for my soul washed over me, but not because of me or anything I had done, but because God loves me... it was a powerful moment.  I felt my testimony of Christ in that moment, was gathered like wheat into the barn, and the rest of the field of tares was burned.

  This is the transformation that took place- as you will see in earlier postings in this blog, it was after long hours of study and years grappling with questions, insisting that there was a good answer and trying so hard to find those answers. Then there was a period of time where I felt marred; I felt my faith and striving would only take me so far.  I carried a strained relationship with God and at last I trusted him enough to let it all go and trust Him.  The feeling of that presence did not leave me; I felt the spirit sustaining me through the entire next year as I dealt with the huge change and I didn't want to be alone. 
Casting back into the years of researching the church, it must be understood that "Letting it go" is not as easy as singing Elsa's song and tossing up your arms.  I had once felt safe in these promises and doctrines.  They were a part of me and how I associated with the entire world around me.  It was not a light thing to let them go.  I loved them so much- but I had to come to a place of honesty in myself where I evaluated in my heart, "If this is not true, why am I afraid to let it go? Perhaps I love and trust this mirage of safety more than I love and trust the truth or God."  Instead of letting go of the Joseph doctrines the first time (2013), I clung on with all my might and it tore sanity out of me. Once my brain was back, I was still without the peace of God and suffered greatly that summer. It wasn't until I learned to fully trust God that I was able to let go of my attachment to who I thought God was supposed to be and I was able to let go of Joseph's Church.  It is hard to believe anything spiritual can be real after many spiritual experiences among teachings of a false doctrine.  Believing God was real was a difficult concept to hold onto through the faith transition.  And so, where am I now?
I have a testimony of Christ and I try to understand the Bible and live according to the guidance I have from God.  I attend with a Nazarene church near me.  They are wonderfully welcoming and I am blessed to be able to attend with them.  My relationship with the LDS church is something I am figuring out as I go.  I still attend 3 hours on Sunday with my family.  I love and admire the people so much.  I try to balance being respectful and being honest- it usually doesn't ruffle feathers.  I don't tend to stick around for lessons on the Book of Mormon or Priesthood or Prophets or Temples or Eternal Family... because these things are not in my heart and there is nothing supportive I can say.  Sitting in a room with people who believe and are actively agreeing with statements which I have learned are not sweet and correct, it just makes me feel "other" and it stirs a pot of anger in me.  I don't want that pot stirred so I excuse myself.  I have been learning how to converse with members about "What happened".  I realize that while I don't mind answering questions- my volunteering information can be rude.  I have also learned that setting and time available are important factors in what I ought to say and if given the opportunity, I would love to pray beforehand for a spirit of love and friendship and respect and honesty to be with us that we communicate effectively what is in our hearts and no one leaves alienated.  I can tell when someone wants to consider and talk about questions and when someone wants to be right and shut it down. It is like an error message pops up on their foreheads and the information doesn't compute.- I totally get it- the current operating system in their brains is set to a certain world view and things that don't blend well- it's like a bug in a computer.  I could be better at figuring out what to do in circumstances where I can tell it is not being received well.  I want to be supportive to my LDS friends and family.  I want them to come to me with whatever question they have- whether it be, "How do I communicate effectively with my friend/family member who left the church?" or "Why does your bible look different than mine?" or "Why did you leave?"  I feel this desire to see in others the love I had for my friend- the one who left- I wanted to find answers for her and be able to defend the gospel.  From where I sit, I wonder why no one considers why I left to the point of having genuine conversation about these real stories.  This is salvation to them and I sit outside of it.  It sometimes seems to me that no one loves me like I loved my friend- I faced my fears to try to answer her questions.  No one loves the LDS gospel the way I loved it- even that I fought long hours trying to defend it and be there for my friend. I would love to have a real conversation- where heavy things are considered heavy and not brushed aside. It is important if for nothing else because if you truly feel I have fallen and you truly love me- then why are you ignoring the cause of my "fall"? I hope you enjoyed My Novelette.  I list the date of leaving the LDS church as December 6, 2015.
-(In an earlier post I talked about having to be Mormon for my sanity.  Here is exactly what I was doing when my Brain broke: Non-stop for about three days, I was studying the Book of Mormon and trying to prove it right. With the knowledge of Joseph's magical practices, his polygamy and polyandry and his talismans and masonry- it felt like the spirit could speak out of anywhere and with lack of sleep and lack food which had combined for chaos in my body and mind, I broke. My family woke up the next morning to over 70 new messages on our facebook group, mysterious writings where I felt I had the gift of prophesy- it is super embarrassing and nothing like that has ever happened to me before or since.  I think the result of having my world crash the month before and trying to pick up the pieces and make them fit again- it wouldn't work and I couldn't sleep about it. Sadly, my mental moment went on for a week I think and I couldn't make it home one day while driving- so I stopped and police came and checked on me and called an ambulance to take me to the hospital.)-

Being a rock

I found this- written in fall 2014.  I read it and thought it was a good insight to where I was then.  I think my loved ones would appreciate it.
I love who I am.  I don't feel boastful saying that.  I should approve of myself.  I love how I play with and enjoy my boys, finding silly side paths to getting upset and instead being silly.  I like how honest I am.  I not only cannot tell a lie, I have to be true to my heart and my belief.  I like how diplomatic I am, and empathetic, and I care about people.  I sometimes struggle though- to figure out how I feel about a particular situation and whether I am making decisions that reflect my heart.  I sadly, don't have many close church friends right now.  The people I talk to the most are not religious.  I love them for their boldness and their insights.  I love their unveiled personalities- there are no masks of perfection.  Now, I am not generalizing all of my religious people to be mask wearing... many of them are "real", but I've had such trouble making friends- having meaningful conversations, it is as if there is a wall and if it's my fault, I wish I knew how to break through it.  I often have felt that I don't fit in well with the ladies at church.  They are so loyal and so bright eyed- it's as if there is no doubt in them- no worry, no question or wavering.  They are so shiny and good at being "Mormon".  I just think that I am not a production piece- not the piece someone would send down the runway to display the "mormon woman". How the practices of the church grow a person.  This is because I do not have the innocent sparkle- the childlike enthusiasm for whatever is asked of me or whatever I ought to believe.  I question things rationally, like- The scriptures were written by men- inspired men, but they had cultures and some of them wrote what I would consider personal beliefs that were possibly derived from their culture, but weren't accurate.  Like- Dark skin.  It is illogical to believe it is a curse.  It is logical to believe that different areas of the world with different climates raised people with varying skin tones and genomes that survive best there.  I just don't know how much of the bible (The OT specifically) is allegorical.  I struggle to understand which stories I am supposed to believe as factual and which are parables.  I seem to have an easier time finding the illogical pieces and questioning the veracity.  But that is not my purpose when I read the scriptures and I wonder how effective I can be as a missionary when I read critically.  The thing is though- I have this concept of God- who he is, isn't it who he always was?  unchangeable- whose course is one eternal round.  He seems to me to be merciful and loving, with a discerning eye for justice and discipline.  He seems lovingly involved and ever handing out wisdom and knowledge to mankind.  I know he exists.  I know that this is his church.  I feel stronger with the first of those two sentences though.  When I pray, he answers me.  He sends me dreams and people and experiences which powerfully testify of his involvement in my life.  I mean, last night I felt so confused and I wrote in my journal, said a prayer, and instantly picked up the book with the answer, felt inspired as to where to look, and found it.  It was a few paragraphs I had written about how the gospel affects growth in a person, tips for missionary work.  I also have miraculous stories- like how chidi, my hermit crab, got lost-- and I prayed to find chidi every night for months. Six months later, in the middle of winter, downstairs behind a couch, under some blankets, my chidi was alive.  And there was the time I got so buried in questions that I felt I had to leave the church and basically, I went insane.  The message from God was so clear- "Yes, you can make your choices- you can leave, but if you do, you will hurt, your brain will suffer, your heart will fear.  This is who you are and where you belong.  I need you."  I felt as though leaving tore out my center- the core of my being and I was lost and confused and my brain stopped working and my heart was scared and alone- I felt like I was trying to follow God but I couldn't find him.  I think that I cannot exist outside of this church.  I think that is for my health.  I also think that God, accompanied by many prayers of my ancestors and possibly those who will come after me combined to tell me I was important and if I left, my heart would drown in fear and sorrow, my brain would cause me anguish with depression and mania, my body would never rest, and I would be miserable.  It is not so with everyone because not everyone has had the life I have.  With greater light comes a greater responsibility and greater blessings come with greater responsibility and also greater sorrow with separation.  So here I am- I am mormon, I question things sometimes and I forget to do what I should.  I am sparkly, but not as loyal as I wish I was.  I felt as though I tried to leave and God pulled me back.  I have a friend who is spiritual but not religious.  Her presence nurtures my heart.  When I see her, I feel a sense of home and love and shelter.  I thought about her the other night when I prayed.  I thought about God... I love how I feel around my friend.  I wish I had such a relationship with God.  I wish I had that familiarity with him.  It's hard to explain- but I want to feel like 'with God is my comfortable place'. But it's hard because I cannot physically see him or touch him.  I just sense his feelings and sometimes his thoughts.  I want to be full of His light and love... I am having such trouble clearly expressing what I wanted to say.  I wanted to say- that I am trying to be a rock.  solid, immovable, sturdy in the gospel.  Also, I want to be God's... but I am not able to go about it as everyone does.  I cannot just "be believing"... I am rational and spiritual.

Good Good thoughts

I am often going about my day and a beautiful thought passes my mind- it is inspirational, profound, or just plain excellent at making it's point.  I don't generally have a list running through my mind as the day proceeds, I have philosophy and I ponder over everything and my mind holds and considers certain relevant topics to that day.  This might be the reason that I forget everything and need to write everything down.  I love this- pondering life as it plays out, it adds some depth to my communications and to my actions.  It does get distracting sometimes- sometimes the thoughts are caught up on injustice or I am distracted by the mess of the house which whispers failure to me or I wonder if I waste my time with my disorganized manner- if I am cleaning my house while ignoring more important matters or missing out on a greater purpose I might have had that day.  So, I have decided that my thoughts need a place to be collected- especially those that are inspirational, profound, or excellently put.  Here is a quote and the rather unrelated thoughts today (perhaps my thoughts will circle around back to this quote tomorrow):
Neal A Maxwell said, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy" I love that concept- to think that our suffering deepens our understanding of joy- not only that, but it creates a place for joy to fill in.

I am going to the temple today.  I am so excited.  As I read this morning, I remembered a testimony Lorenzo Snow shared with his granddaughter in the Salt Lake Temple.  He spoke of the place where he saw his Savior, and how Christ appeared. (connecting thoughts with Matt5:8; D&C 50:24) I thought of my life and what a consecrated life looks like.  I thought about how the temple is closed and cleaned once a year in such depth... how it already started as the cleanest building in which I have ever set foot- and it needs to be kept in the most pristine conditions.  I believe the home is to be a temple.  I had a friend over yesterday- she's a relatively new friend, so I wanted my home to be clean- as I did not know what level of cleanliness works for her comfort.  As my day filled with other things, my time to clean was shortened.  I frantically cleaned my home, noticing things I don't usually notice- like the fact my living room windows don't have curtains, or the fingerprints on the TV or the crumbs on the desk or the fact my walls needed to be cleaned... I was awakened to things which had been there all along, but all of the sudden they bothered me a lot.  I giggled nervously as I thought about how mothers have body dysmorphic syndrome about their homes... stressing about little things that no one would notice or judge them on unless they were shallow and their opinions not worth worrying about.  I thought about how when I was a teen I worried people would'nt be my friends because of how I dressed, now I worry about people not being my friends because of my home- more particularly, fingerprints on the TV & a cheerio in the corner.  How carried away my thoughts were on this thing!  Today I realized that I am like my home- I pretty much like myself, but there are certain times when I awaken and I see how I fall short.  I see the personal motive for my actions throughout the day and the lack of turning to Christ in my thoughts and purposes.  I see the missing scripture time and prayer with the family or individually and I wonder where my allegiances are and why I lust after such a slothful life, such a laid back existence... This is not what I want! I want to mean something- to use what I have...
Oh! and the most beautiful thing came to my mind... that day I had been caught up in wanting- wanting money, things, the advertised easy life on TV... I am never happy when I'm wanting.  "Man cannot serve God and mammon."  In serving God, you reject the value all of these temporal things as they are for just you and instead in them you see the potential to serve others, but you also see the value and potential for preventing suffering and providing mercy with what you already have.  It is losing yourself in God- treasuring up his kingdom.  Recognizing that the most valuable possession you have is your testimony of Christ and that is the most powerful producer of happiness in the world.  All things that distract from living in this testimony- making it a part of you- all those things produce sorrow.  The goal is desiring to be a source of mercy rather than a harbinger of things-- to put yourself in a position to give mercy rather than in the position of receiving mercy...
  So, today I clean my home, I listen to talks and strive to be a person who awakes with the motivation to live for Christ's purposes and with the fire of his spirit in my belly.  I hope that someday I might be purified in Christ, that I might see him as Lorenzo Snow did.  In that special place.  For now I continue, trying to be a source of mercy- that the atonement might work in my heart to produce a christ-like being of me.

The further evolution of scripture study

-Another old- unpublished draft- for your viewing pleasure.-
We have now given up the box thing.  The way we're doing scriptures now is, we ask the kids a question (ex: what is the most important commandment?) and we answer it by telling them a scripture story, then we ask the question again.  I like this method because it allows us to teach at their level- it might not be a straight through reading, but that's fine.  Other questions:

- Jesus told us, "Love thy neighbor as thyself" Who is your neighbor?

- How should we feel towards our enemies?

-What is the best way for us to serve God?

-What commandment comes with a promise of long life?

-Why did Jesus need to be baptized? 

-What is a virtue?

-What is the most important virtue any person can have?

-How do we show that we know and love God? (1 John 2:3-5)

-How do we find courage against our fears? (1 John 4:18)

-How can we find answers to our questions? (Matt 21:22)

-What does Baptism represent? (being born again)

-What is a soul? (D+C 88:15 Spirit and Body)

-Why did God send us to Earth?

-How can we know gospel truth? -When we hear a doctrine, how can we know whether it is from God?

-What does the sacrament represent?  What promise do we make when we take the sacrament?

-Why do we call God, "Heavenly Father"?

-Why is Christ sometimes called our Father and other times called our brother?

-Why is Christ called the good shepherd?

-How do we find hope in Christ?

-What is the mission/job of the Holy Ghost?

-Faith enables God to work miracles in our lives.  What is Faith?  How do we strengthen our Faith?

-Christ sat with his disciples around a fire.  He asked Peter if he loved him.  Peter answered that He did.  Jesus then told him to feed his sheep.  What does it mean to feed His sheep? How does that show our love for Jesus?

-Does God love us when we sin?

Anyways, I have really enjoyed this method.  It helps us think about the scripture rather than just read it.

:)

Update on Scripture study with the kids

With experience comes wisdom.  I am finding that the system with the boxes is more effective than the pictures of Christ which relate to parts of His divine mission.  The kids like putting things in the boxes- sometimes I'm more prepared than other times- once I had laminated word sheets, another time I had printed out pictures, and most of the time I write things in a notebook as we go and rip it out so they can place it in a box.  It is so simple and it's working great.  The current boxes are "Beware Sin", "Blessings from following Christ/How Jesus feels about us", "Following Christ", & "Names & Attributes of Christ".  It's going very well.  The kids are interacting and they enjoy scripture time.  It's very easy to review what we've learned too.  You just go through a box.  :)