I have been in a season of learning a lot about prayer. For most of my personal journey, I have focused on understanding and applying scripture to a good walk before God and prayer has always been a part of that- like turning in my research paper and getting a sticker on it that says, “Good job!”. When I went full on into research mode and ended up leaving the faith tradition which I was raised in, my faith journey had become very logical and cerebral. I needed to have a lot of information about something before I would be open to experience. In building up my understanding of theology and who God is, I had unknowingly developed a theology that put up walls between me and God in many areas. It started to be a very intense process on my end to come before Him and experience His love. I had to climb a mountain of research and learn something and then God could touch my heart about what I had learned.
It is so good to learn things about God and His word, but in 1 Corinthians 13, it says that you could speak with the tongue of angels and it would be as a tinking cymbal if you do not have the love. Love is the spirit that fills the caverns of knowledge with light and meaning and purpose. Love makes food out of words. I got to a place in my logic based journey with God where I didn’t really believe in the power of God among men- I didn’t believe in 1 Corinthians 12 or 14, I found them curious, but didn’t quite understand what they meant for me. That kind of makes me laugh because of how much I treasured the chapter in the middle. I drew near to God with my lips, but my heart felt lonely and far from him. I had a form of Godliness in understanding text, but denied the power of God in action.
I am in an almost constant state of self reflection, but without allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to me, my self reflection had become surprisingly dense. I didn’t realize that I had been eating the fruit of the enemy. Opening the door for him to stir up anger and bitterness and self pity and relational strife. I didn’t realize there was a spiritual warfare going on around me. Even if I had, I didn’t know how to fight. It seemed like believing in spiritual warfare was just an archaic way of looking at mental illness. Because I hadn’t experienced anything “supernatural” like ghosts or demons, my logic said that they must be rather inactive in my life if they existed. I thought I was just being impacted by a circumstance that sucked. I didn’t realize the enemy could use the circumstance to gain power over my emotions and by so doing, influence my whole household. I didn’t realize I could pick up power to live above circumstance in the peace and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. How does one retain the Holy Spirit in the midst of circumstances that aren’t ideal? Scriptures help, but if your heart is stony (as mine had become), it is hard to partake of the healing and nourishment there. I wondered why God had left me alone and I needed to feel His love, I was desperate for it. What could I do when all I had done before brought no breakthrough?
My thoughts on this subject were closing in on something important as I pondered over this experience, “Why is it this hard for me- I have a lot of experience with God and His word, Why is it so hard for me to feel him near? If it is this hard for me, how does anyone come to Christ? Surely not everyone is required to climb this mountain of research. Not everyone can research- how do they meet with God? Is their experience just designed to be less fruitful and full? That doesn’t seem correct, what am I missing? God doesn’t love me more because I can research- He loves us all with the same eternal love.” I was praying, don’t get me wrong. But I was in a state of spiritual illness, the poison of the enemy had plugged up my senses so that I couldn’t experience God. I didn’t know it- I didn’t know I was in a warfare, I didn’t know how I got so far from God. So in my reaching, I needed to hear how people became converted to Christ. I looked it up on Youtube and I heard these remarkable stories of God moving in power.
It is so good to learn things about God and His word, but in 1 Corinthians 13, it says that you could speak with the tongue of angels and it would be as a tinking cymbal if you do not have the love. Love is the spirit that fills the caverns of knowledge with light and meaning and purpose. Love makes food out of words. I got to a place in my logic based journey with God where I didn’t really believe in the power of God among men- I didn’t believe in 1 Corinthians 12 or 14, I found them curious, but didn’t quite understand what they meant for me. That kind of makes me laugh because of how much I treasured the chapter in the middle. I drew near to God with my lips, but my heart felt lonely and far from him. I had a form of Godliness in understanding text, but denied the power of God in action.
I am in an almost constant state of self reflection, but without allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to me, my self reflection had become surprisingly dense. I didn’t realize that I had been eating the fruit of the enemy. Opening the door for him to stir up anger and bitterness and self pity and relational strife. I didn’t realize there was a spiritual warfare going on around me. Even if I had, I didn’t know how to fight. It seemed like believing in spiritual warfare was just an archaic way of looking at mental illness. Because I hadn’t experienced anything “supernatural” like ghosts or demons, my logic said that they must be rather inactive in my life if they existed. I thought I was just being impacted by a circumstance that sucked. I didn’t realize the enemy could use the circumstance to gain power over my emotions and by so doing, influence my whole household. I didn’t realize I could pick up power to live above circumstance in the peace and empowerment of the Holy Spirit. How does one retain the Holy Spirit in the midst of circumstances that aren’t ideal? Scriptures help, but if your heart is stony (as mine had become), it is hard to partake of the healing and nourishment there. I wondered why God had left me alone and I needed to feel His love, I was desperate for it. What could I do when all I had done before brought no breakthrough?
My thoughts on this subject were closing in on something important as I pondered over this experience, “Why is it this hard for me- I have a lot of experience with God and His word, Why is it so hard for me to feel him near? If it is this hard for me, how does anyone come to Christ? Surely not everyone is required to climb this mountain of research. Not everyone can research- how do they meet with God? Is their experience just designed to be less fruitful and full? That doesn’t seem correct, what am I missing? God doesn’t love me more because I can research- He loves us all with the same eternal love.” I was praying, don’t get me wrong. But I was in a state of spiritual illness, the poison of the enemy had plugged up my senses so that I couldn’t experience God. I didn’t know it- I didn’t know I was in a warfare, I didn’t know how I got so far from God. So in my reaching, I needed to hear how people became converted to Christ. I looked it up on Youtube and I heard these remarkable stories of God moving in power.
I watched these people tell their stories and I am a digger, and I had so many thoughts and such skepticism as they spoke of these miraculous encounters… Are these people being honest? Why did God give these very physical physical evidence of the spiritual world? I concluded that demons are likely scary and I should just be glad they aren’t around me. I said a prayer and told God I was grateful that I had never encountered an evil spirit. I then decided on a whim, without even an ounce of expectation (I wouldn’t even know what to expect), I said, “Just in case, if there is an evil spirit on me, I remove it in the name of Jesus Christ.” Immediately, my back felt hot, bright, peaceful, and joyous… just my back. It was peculiar. I wasn’t angry or bitter, my self pity was gone. I had love- a lot of love for the Mormons. I had a person in mind immediately who I needed to reconnect with. God had moved.
I prayed and thanked him for showing me that he works in this way. I started listening to different people. Charismatics… who even am I right now? But this unlocked an important truth to me. People need a real God. I had always connected with God in a way that is honestly, not readily available to a good percentage of people. I have a strange passion for learning about God intellectually and it’s good, but it’s not everyone’s path to a fruitful relationship. People need God to move- they need to feel the Holy Spirit. If you are in a conversation with someone who is angry and convinced of their position- should you join with them to argue? Should you leave them to their demons? I think that prayer is the sacred weapon that I had forgotten about. It takes courage for a girl like me to ask someone if I can pray over them. I had always worked only with what God had already planted in me, I hadn’t tried actually inviting God to the situation. So, prayer. It’s like this feather at first- it looks weak and is easily missed… but then it grows into this great and powerful eagle. It draws an army to your side, it calls down the fire of heaven and it is earth shaking. Prayer carries all the gifts of the Spirit- it is our channel to God. God Almighty, Omnipotent, Love Eternal, our Counselor who desires to speak with us ALWAYS! Seasons of silence are not God’s plan. This is only the first step. What a beautiful step it is! What power exists in understanding God wants to be near you more than you want to be near him. He died to be near you. Pray. Lean in.
