Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A time to petition & a time to refrain from petitioning...

If you know me, you know I'm easy going, I try not to talk about politics and my idea of a good evening is watching the various shows I am following with my hubby while we eat dinner. I absolutely love the place that I live. I love the people most of all, they make this place. Of course, with low income housing you will have some crazies and crimeys, but I can overlook that. One of my favorite things has been my experience with the maintenance here. There is a great sense of community and they definitely are a part of that. I petitioned today to keep my maintenance guy who was wrongfully fired. The people I talked to made me love this place all the more. A dear neighbor of mine watched my kids while I went. While I was gone, the office called and requested that I stop petitioning because people were complaining (kind of the point, but okay)... long story short, taking action takes a lot of energy. It stresses me out a lot, but I know that I couldn't sit by and miss this opportunity to fight an injustice that hits so close to home, it practically hit my home. The thing that gets me through the stress (btw, I'm not used to stress) is when I pray, I am surrounded with peace and assurance. I love prayer! I love the scriptures and I love my home and community.

Monday, October 11, 2010

A Pure Heart means resisting... having faith...

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." That sounds really amazing to me. I have pondered about what it means to have a pure heart and tried to put a picture in my head of what someone with a pure heart would do. I can't believe this just dawned on me today, but it hit me profoundly. A person with a pure heart, when faced with the greatest temptation says no. I am not a stranger to temptation. I was listening to Elder Ballard today. He said that scientists have found that there is a pleasure center in our brains and when it lights up, it overrides the area of the brain associated with willpower. "So there's a reason it is so hard for me to fight addiction," I thought. Of anything I have ever wanted in life, I want most to have a pure heart because I believe the promise Christ made (above). It's powerful to me to tie that promise so closely to resisting which is quite hard for me. Resisting is hard for a reason*. It's what the Mormons call "the natural man". It's our natural inclination to give in to temptation. Our love of God is meant to overcome the natural man. It gets harder to put off the natural man if you get addicted or fall in love (that period between engaged and married is extra tough). It would seem it takes an amazing amount of sustained strength to resist temptation. What a test of Faith! Which leads me to another doctrinal point. We came to this Earth to be receive our mortal bodies, learn, and be tested to see if we would follow Christ in this life with the ultimate goal of becoming like our Father in Heaven. And Faith is a belief in things which are not seen, which are true and faith without works is dead. Faith in Christ strengthens a person because it brings them closer to God and it is not like believing in Santa. Faith in Christ brings a whole different feeling. It is an intense & bright love that is more real than any earthly love and it envelops you completely and radiates from you. Faith is more than believing, it is doing. If you think about it, you'll find that Satan knows Christ died for our sins, but he sure doesn't let it change him. Faith happens when our belief in Christ changes us. We can find hope in Him because He descended below all things and felt all our pains and temptations, he suffered for me because of His love. And because of all that, he can succor me and because he overcame the world, I too can overcome. Therefore, Satan inadvertently helps us develop our Faith in Christ by giving us opposition to grow strong against, just like resistance builds muscle.(*)
How many times does the lure of laziness dangle before me? Sometimes that lure has extra pull- I'm drawn to it because the task before me looks overwhelming or I have all these reasons to procrastinate or I have self doubt. At night, the lure is to just go to sleep, skip brushing teeth or journal writing or scriptures or "tucking the house in" {my late night cleaning}... just sleep. Also, I almost never exercise. I have many ways to improve as a mom. Oh, and my patience leaves something to be desired. I will be faithful tonight and tuck this day in. Good night.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Becoming Lithuanian again

Oh, there's so much to do to be really Lithuanian. My dad is full blooded Lithuanian. The language is the oldest living and it is a miracle it is still alive. Under soviet rule it was illegal to speak Lithuanian and the country is the size of Pennsylvania for crying out loud. I am afraid of the struggles I might face learning this language... I'm not sure I'm ready yet, it's on the waiting list. I have ventured into cooking... my first thoughts were- really? potatoes and beets? As I learned more about Lithuania, I pictured my ancestors in their cottages on their farms and these foods gained some excitement and beauty. I have now made Lithuanian Sausage (Dad says his grandma Zofija made sausage), Saltibarscai (cold beet soup), poppyseed milk, and some failed attempts at mushroom shaped cookies. The exciting thing is, I have my Grandmother's recipe ledger. I have heard tale that she was a great cook. She was Betty Crocker at one point and she organized a cookbook for the International Society at the University of Pittsburgh. Grandpa Leo owned a Tavern & she cooked the food for the tavern. My dad told me she made Eggplant Parmesan, which I then tried and it is so stinking amazing. He also said she made Baked Alaska for Grandpa before he shipped out for his service in WWII Alaska. I will soon be making Zepplinis, meat stuffed potato dumplings. They are said to be the ultimate Lithuanian comfort food. Other things that are so totally Lithuanian: decorating eggs, polka type music, weaved linens, woodwork art, and amber. I have joined the Portland Lithuanians. I really don't fit in right now. They are all like 1st generation or 2nd generation immigrants, I'm 4th generation. I don't speak the language, and they love Lithuanian. So my making them speak English at a Lithuanian event is so not cool of me. I think I will have to learn the language to fit in. I'm such a nooB! One step at a time though- I'm becoming Lithuanian again, it's easier said than done.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Fabulosity of it all...

Sometimes I wonder if I have landed on a patch of the world a little closer to heaven than anywhere I have ever been. The ladies are unique and legendary. They inspire me on every turn. The landscape is green and fruitful. Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I'm awake and I have a fabulosity detector in my nose. I love this place. I love the people. My heart aches to think at some undetermined day I will move. Portland area is a very fun place to live. The restaurants are fab, the variety of farms here means there is a vast array at farmers markets and there is definitely culture in Portland. The parks are great. My local "Pirate Park" is off a trail (meaning no car danger) with assets like a water feature emptying into a sandpit, two pirate ship themed structures (one for littles, one for bigger kids), an oasis with slides going both sides down the hill, eight swings, picnic benches, & a wrap around trail for trike races. It's like Kid Mecca. Then if I get tired of my house on a rainy day there are 2 indoor play places near by (Munchkin Playland is in walking distance, Out of This World is humongous) - their price makes it an occasional event, but it's always a blast and I meet other mom-tastic people. Then there is Waterfront park by the river in Portland. On Saturday this park is very populated because of Portland Saturday Market, a local artist, craft, & food fair that happens March-Christmas every Saturday. Waterfront park also has 2 "walk in" fountains, flowering trees, a historic Rock Garden (there are historic things written on giant rocks) and it is absolutely romantic and beautiful. I live about an hour from the coast & 30 min from Portland. The water at the coast is too cold for swimming, but it is beautiful and full of life. I like playing with the barnacles and poking sea anemones when the tide is low. I love the very place that I live. I'm next door to a playground, an indoor playground, a grocery store, my church, a farmers market, a nursery, a pool and hot tub, a fitness center, a Thai restaurant, a pizza place (& other restaurants) and the friendliest people. It is the easiest place to meet people and live comfortably. My only complaint is that I stink at container gardening and I would someday like to have a garden. Another plus is Nate's family lives near-ish and we get to see them 1-2 times a month. So many blessings!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

More about Joshua

Alright, he's the most loving kid I've ever met. He is kind to kids who push him and take his toys. He loves his little brother so much and he is so obedient. I love everything about my son's personality. I often feel like Heavenly Father sent me one of his very best. I feel very blessed to be this kid's mother. I am touched by his heart and goodness every day. I really don't think I taught him that, he totally came to me this way.
He is behind in a couple areas: speech, comprehension... I worry about it. I wish I knew how to help him shine his light and communicate more effectively. Sometimes I ask him questions. He fidgets and I can never tell if he has understood what I've asked. He replies more often than he used to, but his replies are hard for me to understand and I'm never sure if he is actually answering my question. I take him to speech therapy & he has started talking to me more. I tell you, my heart sings when he says a full sentence or tells me about his day at school or when I hear him say a prayer. His first words were "thank you". If you know my son, you know those words are two of his favorites. I want to know if there is something more I should do. I'll pray about it, I think God has some important insight for me on this matter.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Blossom where you're planted

I like to think of myself as grateful and not wanting more than the good Lord has given me. There is one thing I falter on though. I dream, kind of obsessively, about homeownership. It runs my mind a lot. I get super excited for my friends when they get to that point. I think, "Ah, someday. Someday it will be my turn." Then I count the many reasons why I love my apartment and community life.
Lately I have been easily sent off to impatient daydreams. I'll see a young lady on a commercial go to her door to pick up her package of pet meds and start wondering how she got a house at such a young age and I get flustered that it isn't my picture. The day dreams used to be accompanied with details and a content feeling that someday it will happen. Now there are no details and there's an anxious feeling that it's so far off, my kids will grow up before we get there. I keep looking for things to comfort my heart on the matter. Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk on patience that really helped...
Here is a list of the things I think to calm down:
"You know the Lord has given you many miraculous blessings, there is always more in store for you."
"You need to be content with where you are and flourish there first."
"Count your many blessings and the anxiety will go away."
"Patience includes being happy on the road to where you're going."
"Think of all the reasons God has put you in this apartment. It is so easy to make and keep good friends and it is easy to do a lot of good for a lot of people. You also have great opportunities to share the gospel here."
-I often distract myself with ^that^ one.

I think about the parallels to high school... you know how teens all think they're ugly and compare themselves to everyone in the room creating a totem pole of sorts in their mind. It's kind of like me right now, putting myself at the bottom of a totem pole just because I don't have a house yet. These things are all so temporary and foolish. I am not less because I have less. Unless, of course, I let myself be less because I think of myself that way. I must seem like a spoiled child, given the richest eternal blessings in family and the gospel and so many temporal miracles, and I'm still so anxious for more. It's amazing how quickly I seem to assimilate and forget the beauty around me and get caught up in have-nots. I guess I'm just having a "green" couple weeks (and not the good kind of green). Really, I think I usually blossom where I'm planted and ignore the "Jones's" with their shiny house.
Writing this has been very therapeutic. I feel a bit of peace now. I know God loves me and He is helping me orchestrate my life; these experiences must be important to shaping my character. I'll just keep trying to become a woman of promise.
Matt 6:24-34
"Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:... Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself."
-Mammon has the connotation of being the god of money or temporal things.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Grandma Ila

I feel like I was born into the best family. Grandma Ila was amazing. She made me my treasured care bear blankey. I brought it with me everywhere. When I was 5 I was entering kindergarten. My sister Krista told me that I had to give up my blankey because I was too old. I didn't believe her. What a silly concept! Giving up something I liked because other people didn't have one- not happening! I remember that I lost it at the Hill Cumora Pageant. I remember crying as we drove away. I loved going to visit grandma. She always had stargazer lilies, which are my favorite flower and they will always remind me of her. She had a very pretty rose garden, it was rectangular and there was an area of grass in the middle. There were often butterflies visiting. She really loved gardening. I loved her hugs. She always smelled like vanilla lotion. I get sentimental whenever I smell a garage because she had a huge basement/garage. We skated and played hide and seek and rode bikes and played Nintendo in that basement. Grandpa had a plane down there that he was building.
I loved her food. She made the most delicious slushie and parfait and oatmeal cookies and Christmas confections... then she also had a candy basket that we could pick from- So cool! She had the coolest toys whether you were taking a bath or playing with cousins. For bath toys she had a fisher price boat with little people and a dog and a ball chime that floated & this rubber duck family... I loved bath time. Then she had a toy/laundry room. She had this little kitchen that sits on a table. It had little plates and forks and spoons and cups and pots and pans. It was like 18 inches tall. Then she had 2 little desks, the prettiest dolls, dress up clothes, a fisher price little people town, pull toys and so forth... The older kids got to paint ceramics, I looked forward to doing it when I was older, but the kiln was gone by then. As a teenager I learned a lot about grandma. I went to visit with just grandma for a week while my cousins were on vacation. We played games and talked about lots of things. I remember that she was always complimenting me during games, telling me I was smart and clever. She told stories about our ancestors; she was very good at family history. We went out to lunch and talked about Zora and the gold rush and one of our ancestors owning 1/2 of what is now Anaheim, California? (I think that's right, I don't remember that detail too well though). I admired grandma. She came to visit when mom got her hip surgery. We went to the library and she told me how she loved reading novels. I read a novel while she was visiting because I knew it would impress her. I saw her reading scriptures one night and asked where she was reading, she told me about the story of Job. During that visit she also expressed to mom that she thought I was a little vain, I wasn't offended, just curious about how I came off that way, I get it now of course. My grandma had so much love in her heart it was nie impossible to be offended by her. My son Levi has her eyes, I often think of her when I look at his eyes. I love that she took the time to compile her personal and family history for me. I also enjoy the DVD my cousin made about her and grandpa. I read her stories and I would like so much to be like her. She inspires me to be a better mom, she inspires me to find out more about my family, read good novels, garden, and do everything with love. I loved her sense of humor. "What's the difference between eggs, a drum, and sex?" ->"You can beat eggs & you can beat a drum, but you can't beat sex." I was so pleased that she liked my husband Nate (not that I was worried she wouldn't like him). She told me I picked a good man. This huge feeling of happiness comes over me when I think about that. Whenever I think about how much I love my mom, that love definitely extends to my grandma Ila. My mom is funny and she shows her love in everything she does. She is the best person to have around when you're sick or sad. She has a knack for sympathy and taking care of a person. She would give her children everything she ever had. It's really motivating to me to know that my mom finds no greater joy than her children. In all my good pursuits I know it brings her joy and she's pleased with who I am and who I'm becoming. I love her heart. I admire the effort she puts into everything she does, she works really hard and she has definitely earned her selfless badge. My mom taught me about the gospel in everything she did. It is the best thing ever. I am so grateful that she showed me how much God loves me and how special I am. I rely on that every day. My mom worked hard to be a better and better mom, teaching me along the way. I am so grateful for my mom and all she taught me. I love my grandma Ila. Oh, if I could list the emotions- grateful, honored, humbled, (very) inspired, loved, & maybe a little guilty for having it so good. {

Tameing Vanity & Letting Your Light Shine

I don't know what comes to your mind immediately with the word vanity, but for me it conjures up a woman looking in the mirror, much like Snow White's wicked step mother. Consumed by vanity, she wasn't content on being fair, she wanted to be "fairest of them all" and would be, no matter the cost.
The word vanity also recalls for me an instance of extreme dissatisfaction with my appearance, in which occasion, my grandma thought I was vain. "I'm not vain!" I thought to myself. "If anything, I'm the opposite of vain!" I have since gained a greater understanding of the concept of vanity. In my youth, I suffered with low self esteem and a scab ridden face, and I obsessed about my appearance. I was constantly trying to hide my scabs with makeup and would sometimes stay away from social events because I couldn't be seen in my current state. I know it affected my behavior greatly.
I would define vanity as an esteem produced from physical appearance which hinders your beneficial affect (taking into account people can be vain about fame which is intangible). Whether your effect is diminished because you are haughty or hiding, it is all vanity.
I taught a primary class in my last ward (A ward is a locality based division of church members). In this primary class was a girl for whom I will always have a special place in my heart. She was quite honest and she tested my vanity. The last lesson I gave to this class was about letting your light shine. I love teaching, it helps me evaluate my weakness and become better. This lesson made me think a lot. "What is hindering me from letting my light shine? How can I make my light like a city on a hill?" (Matt 5:15)
The answers came.
1. I realized that I had been trying to be a "Hot mom". I laugh about it now. I decided after much thought that my goal instead should be "Approachable", which I considered to be between "Let Go" and "Hot Mom". It took my focus from what the world expected and liked to what is appropriate and good in my eyes.
2. I could also find more opportunities to shine by getting out of the house (which would then create opportunities for friendship).
3. Also, keeping my house in visitable order would make it supportive to the cause.
4. Lastly, I could make my light brighter by becoming true (being true is a whole other posting). So, it seems to me that letting your light shine tames vanity.
Also, to note, that Vanity originates from the perceived judgement of society, and your light originates from Christ). (Doctrine & Covenants 88: 6-13, 3 Nephi 18:24)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I always mean to..

There's a list of things I sometimes accomplish, and a list of things I rarely accomplish, but the intent is always there. On this list are things like actually getting and keeping the house in order, fasting once a month (for religious reasons), exercising, going to the temple once a week, holding "Family Home Evening" (a family gathering on Mondays in which we talk about things we want our family to learn), and keeping the sabbath day holy.
Today is Sunday, guess which one I'm thinking of now. Yep, keeping the Sabbath day Holy. Sunday is a day that things are supposed to be clean and in place so you can rest and think about things less temporal. Preparing for the Sabbath on Saturday is necessary. I tend to have some trouble with staying on top of my chores any day, but Saturday is always so full of good & fun things that chores seem to find their place last on my Saturday list, which means they end up being left for Sunday. On Sunday I often have company, so after inadvertently leaving my mess until last on Saturday and never getting to it, I have to clean my home on the Sabbath. This problem enters my mind every Sunday. What blessings am I missing out on because I do things this way? What blessings is my family missing out on? I mean, cleaning isn't the only way I remove the meaning from the day. We've often got cartoons running all morning and the hubby is on video games and on really hot days we go swimming. There's nothing wrong with swimming or doing chores or cartoons and video games, but on this special day our thoughts ought to be turned to things of an eternal nature. I will let you share a brain wave with me for a moment as I tangent on a related subject. There are special blessings tied to paying Tithing. It's not always easy to give up one tenth of all your income, but it's a part of the law of sacrifice. On the same lines, it is definitely not easy to prepare so dutifully on Saturday that Sunday can be fully devoted to the Lord. Again, it takes special sacrifice- not doing what one usually would do. And again, the blessings promised for your obedience are always more than you imagined. As I think about it, Sunday seems so much more to me now than it seemed to be yesterday. It is a day we dress in our best and dedicate ourselves to loving and learning from the Savior, a day of reverence. The Sabbath, when done properly, it can be a great instrument in building my family and building my home as a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. I see now that on Saturday I prepare my home to be visited by the Savior. Oh! That puts a nice twinkle on the story of Mary and Martha! When Christ came to her home, Martha was busy doing good things like cleaning and preparing food for him, and she missed out on better things. As Martha worked, Mary sat and learned at the Savior's feet, choosing the better part. I never thought of that as a parable of Sunday before. I love it! That changes everything. I feel a great desire now to prepare my home every week for that special day so I can learn at the Savior's feet with my family.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Face Picker!

My deep dark underbelly and thorn in my side is my addiction to picking my face. Believe me, it's worse than it sounds. It has been dubbed a family curse (as I share the addiction with two others in my family). Through my youth it was a daily ritual that I would go to the mirror and forget about time as I squeezed the life out of every pore in my face, digging under every scab and creating more than just a swollen mess. I would put up my spiky shield, so anyone who dared to try to stop me would think twice next time. It was really embarrassing. I would go to school every day with a swollen scabbed over face, then sometimes I would pick during class and I would start bleeding. It was a serious contender to my self esteem and confidence. It definitely held me back. It was a big player of the worst time in my life. With time, it has gotten better. I no longer have a spiky shield and I think I'm pretty awesome which really helps. I can't say I'm over it... not yet, I have said it so many times I think people have stopped believing me. I don't think anyone would point the finger to say I was lying, but because I slipped up and spiraled out of control again, my credibility with that statement has worn thin. I've had this bane for about 13 years... so, over half my young life. It's been a long and bloody battle.

Here are the tools I've employed to fight this monster:
1. Incentives -never work!
2. Tracking progress -almost works.
3. Lights out in the bathroom - it would work, but the light has to be on sometimes... and it doesn't solve the problem of absent minded picking. It works equally as well as limiting my bathroom access because, eventually, I will be in there. Also, I must note, gloves are useless and I don't need nails to pick.
4. Prayer & blessings. -My theory on these is, my desire to pick is overcoming me and I have let it become stronger than any other desire, so until my desire is different, God won't control me. It's part of life to learn to overcome the "natural man" or the natural inclination to sin. He can and does support me. So, prayer & blessings work if I let them.
5. Writing on the mirror, on my hands, on the door... -doesn't work.
6. Talking about it -well, it sometimes makes me want to do it, sometimes it helps me understand my problem better. So -flip a coin.
7. Rule sets. -My current rules are:
1. I must be 2 feet from the mirror at all times.
2. I must have my hands constantly occupied to prevent absent picking.
The thing about rules is, it still takes a strong will to follow them & no one is or should be enforcing them.
8. Inspirations. -they actually help a lot. They motivate me. Most of mine come from my scriptures. If I read my scriptures daily my resistance power gets really good.
9. Journaling. Well, I've never kept a good addiction journal. I have started a couple times, but I don't want my daily entry to be, "Alas, I failed!" In a creative streak I saw what my journal should be like and I think I could do it now. I could simply write a motivation, a scripture reference, draw picture, write a poem, or gab about the bane... whatever I was in the mood to do. I feel it will help me know I'm doing something to support my efforts daily, something positive I can point to and say, that's how I fought my bane today.
10. Tools for fidgety hands -work so well! I don't find myself peeling off a scab absent minded-ly, running to grab a tissue because I'm bleeding, finding things that absolutely drive me crazy which send me into a picking fest. So I crochet, make friendship bracelets, or play with something. My "fidget" was intensely useful. It's a ring that you roll up and down your fingers and it pokes your fingers as it moves. It was very satisfying and calming.
11. Talking to myself out loud on the way to the bathroom. "I am just going to look, I will not touch my face." -it helps a lot when I have felt something that would otherwise be the gateway to a pick fest.
12. Love & Patience. It was started with self hate & impatience with imperfection, so love & patience from others and from myself are a necessary support.

The most important rule in fighting addiction is, you can't give up on yourself. You have to believe that you can overcome it. The Little Engine That Could said, "I think I can!" He never would have made it up the hill if he was saying, "I know I can't." It can't be overstated, you have to believe in yourself. If nothing else, my many exclamations that I was done picking my face were affirmations and those exclamations said that I believe that I can overcome at last. I do believe.
My current thought is, "I'll be 25 in less than a month. I can't visualize my 25th birthday -a milestone birthday of maturity- with the bane of my existence in my mirror. I'm absolutely convinced that I won't be picking my face anymore for the rest of my life." It's okay to scoff at me for that, I know it sounds funny, but it is good that I feel this way & it is a very good omen.
If you have any questions or would like to hear more about the dark days of the addiction, don't hesitate to ask. My purpose in writing this is therapeutic, and if it aids in someone's fight in their addiction, that is absolutely beautiful. Good omens to you.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Be a Mormon

I don't want to be wishy washy about this, so I'll just say it. The Church is true. Which church? Why, just ask the elders... The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The thing is, once you have that beautiful witness from the Holy Spirit that this is the true church, you can rest assured that your feet are wisely planted and are on a sure path. I know it is true, but I don't want anyone to just take my word for it. You have to be changed by it so it can be a part of you. Any question that there is "one true church" ought to be thrown out because there can't be two and there can't be none (two inevitably contradicting and none-that's like saying truth doesn't exist). I also have to say, you can't put one foot in and say you know the religion. Hey, I'm still learning new things every day and it endears me more to my Heavenly Father and gives me greater witness to the truth of his work. The Mormon Church is unique in many ways, so if you read the Book of Mormon and pray about it and see that it truly is the word of God, then the rest of the religion must also be true because an unlearned man (Joseph Smith) could not have written it or translated it. One might wonder why it is so important to have the true church, especially when a person is righteous and good, it really shouldn't matter right? My response can be long winded, but I'll try to make it short- If you knew, you would know why it's important. The whole purpose of life is to try to follow the Savior, to follow him, you have to know what he says. (<- One of many reasons the truth is important). Another thing you should realize is, God is fair and because he delights to bless people and doesn't hold one person above another, all mankind will know, and decide with their knowledge, having every opportunity. God loves his children.
Also, don't waist time. Procrastinating is like shooting your faith in the foot. How can you walk happy knowing you have a hole in your foot? Embrace truth, embrace happiness, and you will be marvelous.
One might say, "But life is fun and blah blah blah, so I don't want to 'give up' anything even if it is true. The Mormons have too many rules." My response to that is, You always get more than you "give up". Every parent has rules for a reason, and as you live it, you see why. Don't learn everything the hard way. You don't want to find yourself struggling because you were foolish. Also, there are blessings tied to your obedience in following the commandments. Now, you should have no excuses. Be a Mormon. Never let a good thing pass you by my friend. It's absolutely true, so learn about it, pray about it, expect an answer, and let the answer come.
I say these things in the way I live my life, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I'm a Bug.

I've decided my life is much like a bug. A caterpillar infact. As a child I inch my way along, I'm fluffy, I eat as much as I want, aware of myself, but not much else, and there's this wonder that everyone knows I will grow up, but who will I be?
Then in High School, I slipped into my cocoon of awkwardness (A.K.A. "Pupa-ty") and didn't socialize much, but I spent my time thinking, dreaming, & working through my hormonal issues, crushing on boys to pass the time and deciding what I wanted to be as an adult.
College arrived and I tore out of my cocoon and flitted about (& flirted about), ready to meet my match. Now I have my own little nest of caterpillars.
I am a bug. A Butterfly.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Kitchen Adventures & food ramblings

I love baking. My summers seem to be full of pretzels & bagels. Last summer I made pretzels as "rewards for awesomeness" for the people in my circle who showed extreme levels of awesomeness. I loved it when I was invited to an afternoon tea... all I could think about was all the fun things I could make. I ended up making crumpets and scones. I think those girls are lovely for having an afternoon tea. I guess they must have pretzels coming their way.
I recently was asked to give a presentation entitled "peek-a-boo vegetables". I enjoyed hiding vegetables and making other yummy vegetable dishes like tempura. I like to make homemade ravioli. I also occasionally enjoy making cheese... I have a love affair with cheese. Someday I hope to be a cheese connoisseur. The different flavors it can have and the textures, the experience of making it feels so organic to me. My college roommate, Jen, is the one who got me interested in cooking. She showed me how to make cheese and she threw "bread parties" where she would invite a bunch of people over and they would bring flour and we would make an enormous pile of dough stretching over 2 tables with 5 people kneading it at least, then people in the kitchen making more to add. Once the dough had risen sufficient, people would grab pieces, run back to their apartments and bake pizzas, cinnamon rolls, bread sticks, pretzels, etc... and meet again to feast. Jen grew up in South Korea and so she had a flare for Korean cuisine. She threw a "Chusok" party which she described as a Korean thanksgiving party. My (then future husband) Nathan decided to hang out at our apartment a lot after that party.
I am currently planning on making a Lithuanian meal. I am half Lithuanian and I have barely tasted of their food. It's a very sad story. My Grandfather passed away when my dad was 7 and my grandmother passed when I was almost 5. She left a great legacy for me and people tell me that she was quite the cook. She made recipes for Betty Crocker, she organized a cookbook for the international society at Pittsburgh University, She made sausages and zepplini (meat stuffed potato dumplings), eggplant Parmesan, and of course, many other things... but these are the ones I am discovering. I made eggplant Parmesan and fell in love with it (I know, it's Italian, not Lithuanian. But who cares, it's amazing.) It's crispy, cheesy, creamy, it makes you snuggle your seat it is intensely delicious (The dessert of main courses). I'm preparing to make Lithuanian Sausages, Rye bread, cold beet soup, and rhubarb cake as my Lithuanian dinner... it will soon be followed by a zepplini dinner. I found the most lovely thing, it's my grandmother's recipe ledger. I made some of her recipes, the butterscotch shortbread, the bride's delight cookies, but the thing is, the recipes are written in old language, so it says things like very fast oven, fast oven, slow oven, and uses weird measurements like a "tumblerful" of eggs. I love making food that my Grandmother made, I imagine cooking with her. It deepens my love for her and my bond with her. Food is but a part of her amazing legacy.
Another exciting adventure coming up is Baked Alaska. I found a Thai flavored Baked Alaska recipe and I almost fell out of my seat. I love Thai food, to me they are the Kings of cuisine. Every time I think about making Thai food it makes me want to be a better gardener. Fresh food is essential to Thai cooking. I dream of being great at Thai dishes & making them regularly for my family. I love coconut. The more I learn about coconut the more I love it. The only other place in nature that the fats in coconuts are found is in human breast milk. I made a fabulously complicated coconut cake for My baby's first birthday party. I think I loved making it more than I loved eating it, but that can be said for most things. The party loved that cake.
Well, I have pretzels ready to boil and bake, so I had better get back to them. I'll post about my adventures as they happen. I love baking!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Mom-tastic-ness Defined

So, it seems that there are hoards of moms shouting about their opinions and "what it takes to be a good mom". There are moms who think if only they did everything better then they could be classified as a good mom, or if only they had a rainbow of talent and glowed with perfection could they admit to doing well as a mom. I admit, for a while I listened to the opinions and judged myself harshly because my kids watch too much TV, I slept Josh in his car seat for a couple months and let him have his bottle as he fell asleep. My house was rarely tidy and dinner was simple or MIA. I think Josh survived all those things and I don't think they made me a bad mom either. Don't get me wrong, any effort to be more awesome is definitely applauded and worthwhile and will support you in your continued efforts to bless your family. I would define these marks of excellence as motherhood merit badges. They aren't "necessary" but they help. Recently I earned my cloth diaper merit badge and potty training merit badge.
So what does it take to be a good mother? Well, what do you want your kids to turn out like? Me, I want my kids to be Christian in very deed. I want them to be smart, but more importantly, I want them to make wise choices for themselves. I want them to know who they are and stand strong on their happy path. So, in my opinion, what it takes to be a good mom is love. The kind of love I'm talking about is deep and ever abiding. It makes a kid strong when they are faced with temptation. It creates for the child a desire to do what is right in your sight. Things can get in the way of them realizing that love. Things like jealousy, low self esteem, anger, and being wallowed up in self pity. As a mom, I know those things might be (most likely are) ahead of me, and I intend to do all I can to clear the way and help my kids past their trials.
What does the community say it takes to be a good mother? well, many things, and I award merit badges for all of them. I had to realize that I am the expert on my children. Josh is amazing in social situations. When he watches Dora it's like he's a raging fan at a Beatles concert. yelling, jumping, very involved, dancing and guess what? learning. So, one mom might realize that her kids aren't doing well with TV and eliminate it. For me and my kids, it works. Moms are unique and their kids need those things that make their mom special. Me- I'm an uber-praiser and I get super excited about everything, I love making food, I love my faith, and I am entirely optimistic.
The pearl of wisdom I'm trying to display here is, You can't focus on what you're not or you'll never become what you want to be. If you want to motivate yourself, start telling yourself you're a good mom and love your kids. Loving them will motivate you more than a hoard of judgmental moms. Feel free to try things that you think are amazing, but if it's not your thing, let go of it and find something you enjoy. Find your sparkle and let it shine. You can't do that while dissing on yourself (or anyone else for that matter). We aren't a totem pole of moms, we're a sisterhood. We support each other and we don't stack each other up. So I'll leave you with that. You, my friend, are mom-tastic. (or femme-tasic they are interchangeable- as all women are endowed with the power to nurture if they so chose to use it).

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Switch to Cloth Diapers

My lovely baby Levi has never been able to wear any disposable diapers except Pampers, the most expensive brand with (in my own opinion) a sub-par absorbency. If he does wear an inferior brand, he gets an awful rash with welts and blisters and skin peeling. And with Pampers he leaks almost every time and I have to clean his pants and bedding every day. He is 17 months old and I finally decided to switch to cloth. Why did it take me so long? Fear. I remember my mom telling me how frustrating cloth diapers were and how disposables are the best invention since buttered toast. Also, I hate laundry and I'm not hiring a diaper service. So I looked up online where the hippie mom stores are in Portland (there are like 5 in the metro area). I picked one and honestly, I think I picked very well. They have a 30 day exchange policy. So if I find I don't like the kind I purchased, I can try something else. I was pretty nervous about switching, but once I did I realized a few things.
A. I was a fool for waiting so long! Not only are these diapers not hurting my baby or my wallet, I don't mind cleaning them. I actually get a bit of a happy feeling as I wash them because I'm saving money and saving the earth and doing what is best for my son. Plus, I don't have to clean his pants and bedding every day! (my laundry load has shrunk)
B. Since I'm not buying diapers for Levi anymore, I am definitely not buying them for my 3 1/2 year old. So, Joshua is now potty trained! Yay!!
C. People compliment me on Levi's diapers. They want to talk about it and they send me happy vibes.
If you are thinking of switching to cloth, just throw fear out your window and do it. The options have changed so much since my parents were doing it. And, some hippie mom places are awesome and let you try their stuff out before committing which is a huge comfort for me. If you're in Portland area the place is called Babyworks. I love them.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Mom Sandbox

I love apartment life. Okay, I dream of homeownership, but I'm good where I am for now. This is the main reason why: Mom sandboxes. The particular complex that I live in is surrounded by mom sandboxes. There is a pool and hot tub, a playground, and Munchkin land down the hill for the rainy days. I go there with my kids to have fun, and I meet the moms that live here. It is so fun to have so many people living close by. It is almost effortless to make good friends here. Then it's super easy to stay in touch because they live here & you run into them all the time. Today I dropped Josh off on the bus and went to the pool with my baby Levi. I made three friends!
I call these places mom sandboxes because I've always heard it said that kids have it so easy making friends, they just sit in the sandbox with someone and they are automatically friends. Today is awesome.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Birthday Ramblings

I always felt so lucky to have a summer birthday. I make quick friends with the Leo crowd... which is funny because I don't particularly believe in horoscopes. I never had to go to school on my birthday & I generally had my pick of activities. If you know me, you know I love attention, so picking a favorite moment in the birthday spotlight is quite difficult. I will relay to you some of my favorite memories (like a clip show) and hopefully land on one favorite.
I remember being woken up one summer morning with a camera in my face, surprised that it was my birthday. At the ripe age of 6, most kids are doing some sort of countdown. I loved being surprised with gifts and people celebrating me.
One birthday I went swimming at Lake Erie with the family (& My sister's friend) and we ate watermelon. On another, I went to day camp per my request -(this stupid boy said he had a surprise for me and he was really just stupid). One birthday I went to the huge wooden park in Marion and we had pizza. When I turned eleven, Dad, Krista, and I were at the Atlantic coast up in Maine and we had lobster and warm brownies with ice-cream for dinner. We went swimming in the ocean; it was a blast.
I once took two of my best buds to Cedar Point then, shamefully, I ignored them because I was boy crazy. *Pause* as I shake my head in disappointment at former me...
I enjoy the memory of mom's bathtub cake disaster. I invited my friend Laura over and I told her how amazing my mom was at making cakes and that she was making me a bathtub cake... the cake makes me happy, but it embarrassed mom so bad! There was a Barbie in a tinfoil swimsuit covered in frosting. The cake had overflowed in the oven. I love mom!
I really loved the birthday wishes I got in Utah at Education week. My favorite speaker had thousands of people wish me a happy birthday. There was a billboard with birthday wishes in one of the main buildings. I went to a dance (where I danced with cute boys!), and when I got back to the dorm my family was waiting there to bestow me with gifts and love. I think I cried a couple times because I was so happy that day. That day I received favorite birthday gift ever, it was a book Krista got for me, she wrote me a letter on the inside about how cool I am, it came with a card with a frog prince on it and was signed by all my favorite Education Week speakers and random cute boys.
My favorite cake was one of Barb's. It had toys in it! I thought that was the coolest thing ever. A treasure cake! I'll have to do that some time for my kids (while they're young). Of course, every birthday we would have presents placed on our heads and Dad would say, "Heavy heavy hangover, my poor head, what are you going to do with it?" You would say something like "wear it" and it would turn out to be a book. I enjoyed the infusion of bad birthday singing that came when Zach joined the family.
As it turned out, Josh was born on his Grandpa Jon's birthday. They celebrated their 1st and 50th together. It was really fun, the whole family got together & they got matching gifts like a Car and a matchbox car...
Levi's birthday is the first I ever had to plan. He was only turning one, so I made a fabulously complicated coconut cake and pretzels and told people to get him balloons (he was pretty obsessed with balloons). I had his picture taken and put it with his 1st year achievements and dates he accomplished each. It was fun.
It is kind of hilarious to me that Krista's birthday is so close to Halloween because she is scared of spiders, even plastic ones. They have long adorned her cakes and Birthday decor. I guess that's what you get for deciding to put mom in labor while she's trick or treating.
I am almost 25! How did I get so old? I used to laugh at my parents for forgetting how old they are, but I can barely remember my age anymore. There is a bit of nervousness that accompanies my Birthdays... I pressure myself a lot to be spectacularly awesome and every birthday it's like you stand next to you of yesteryear and compare, then decide if you've accomplished enough. Sadly, the answer is usually no, it's not enough. But I don't let despair ruin my spotlight moment. Birthdays are about what I am, the good I do and the ways I sparkle, lets not lose focus people. You have to believe in your awesomeness to achieve it! With that I will wish you many happy years and birthday extravaganzas. Don't forget-Aug. 17th, the day, I say, should be nationally celebrated. ;) {Also, I share the day with my Great Grandpa Konstantas Paukstus- in case you weren't jealous yet, that might be the icing on the cake}.
-Sarah ("Princess of Awesomeness") Mize
PS: I love you my family! Thank you for making my life rock.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Warm and Fuzzy Memories

I remember taking road trips to Pittsburgh Grandma's house. She lived on a red brick road. Pittsburgh Grandma was my father's mother and she passed away before I turned 5. I don't remember what she was like, but I know she loved me very much. I remember little things though and of course I've heard about her, so I have a picture in my head of what she must have been like. She had a funny sense of humor and many 'sayings'. "If you eat the crust it will make your hair curl." She left me a great legacy. She provided well for her family as a single mom (Grandpa passed away when my father was 7). Her house wasn't extravagant. She had her own realty business and she saved for her grandchildren's college funds. She also bought us all diamonds for our wedding rings, but they were lost. I know she was very proud of her Lithuanian culture. The thing that keeps coming to mind is-- she could save for us because she lived so providently. There is so much that endears me to her. I remember how much I loved college. I recall a particular instance when I was in the cafeteria on the couch and I sat back and my eyes welled up with tears as I felt so overwhelmed by how deeply she loved me and the opportunities she provided for me.
I found a recipe ledger of hers. I've been trying out her recipes. She made really good shortbread. I think of what it would be like to cook with her. I've been trying to reawaken my Lithuanian roots. I joined a Lithuanian group in Portland. I'm studying traditions and trying to apply them in my family. I want my kids to be excited about it and to know how cool she was. I want to be like her. I want to provide for my family like she provided for me. I want to leave a legacy like that. I mean, how can you make sure a child grows up to love you and admire you and be inspired by you when the last time the child saw you they were only 4? She must have loved us so much, she sacrificed so much for us. When I see her again in Heaven, I will throw my arms around her and tell her Thank you. I always wish for more time, but sometimes I feel her with me as I try her recipes and traditions and count the most amazing blessings in my life. I thank God that she is my Grandmother. I feel like I'm cool by relation. I strive to live up to the legacy she left me.
-Sarah

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

All Gooey Inside

I love love love my family. I will be flying to see them soon. I can hardly wait. My visit prompted a family reunion since I live all the way in Oregon and I can't drive to Ohio. I am super excited to see everyone. My sister Krista is coming up early with her son to spend more time with me. The thought made me feel so gooey and warm inside (like a toasted marshmallow). I am the 5th of 6 kids. I'll give you the line up-- 1. Bra-Bra, 9 years older than me, loves Italy, lives in the cheese state, working on doctorate in SLA. 2. Kathleen, has 4 kids ages 6 and younger, lives in Tennessee. 3. Lee, Veteran of the Iraq war, lives in my home town. 4. Krista, has one boy, lives in Kentucky. 5. Lovable furry old me. 6. Bryan, big superman fan, lives in my home town.
It will be quite the crowd. I am so excited to show off my offspring and meet the new little ones in the family. I am excited to be around them all, see where I came from again. I love them so much! Now, back to my chores. ;)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Pound Foolish

The name of the blog is "Blossoming into Motherhood", in other words, "I have so much to learn about running a house!" Yesterday I was so up on my ego, feeling like I could do anything. Today I am so ashamed. I look back on yesterday me and shake my head in disappointment. I took a look at something scary, but very important....... any guesses what it was? Ok, fine, you were smart enough to read the title of this post. The scary and important thing was my spending. Honestly, I feel disgusted in myself. However, we can't go back in time and un-spend it, so we must look forward and make tomorrow a different picture.
I now understand why I got so lost yesterday on my way to my nephew's Birthday party. It was God preparing me for today. I was wondering as I was lost what life lesson I was supposed to learn from it-- there had to be a life parallel that I needed to apply. I noticed that the feelings I had as I looked at my finances were identical to the feelings I had whilst I was lost, taking 2 hours to get 30 minutes away. I was frustrated, I kept thinking, "I want to be on the freeway!" and "If I had known it would take me 2 hours to get there, I would have left earlier." and "I want to be done driving." and "This GPS is teasing me." It was a parable. My destination in life is having a home to raise my family in, I want to get there as fast as I can, but I have to keep my eye on the map and make sure I'm on course. I feel like I've been such a fool. I have every tool at my disposal, but I've been ignoring them... so, I'm not in debt, I have avoided disaster, but I need to get this family on track to reach that destination. There are so many things we could provide for our family if we lived more providently. I now have a plan and the tools are being used wisely now. We will get there!
Ok, my favorite parallel- You know how GPS info can get out of date... there are some roads that aren't shown because they are newer than the information the GPS has. Well, my favorite parallel is that paying tithing is like updating the GPS. You might find a shortcut or a better place to end up than you had planned. ;)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My Love Story

I am so in love with my husband. He is sane beyond reason, and he's patient, laid back, so supportive, and he thinks I am amazing. He is the friendliest guy I have ever met. We have two boys. My family fills my heart every day. This is the story of how it all began.
My husband and I met while we were at college. I remember when I met him though. It's as if I had been propelled out of the cocoon I hid in through high school and I was now a social butterfly. I went from apartment to apartment getting to know the people in my LDS singles ward. LDS singles wards are an oddity of social experience where *almost* everyone is looking to get married and start a family. It's a super social environment, and it is so fun. Anyways, The door to my future husband's apartment was wide open, I kinda knocked on the door and introduced myself. My husband was at his laptop, he looked up and said hi. That was the extent of our first meeting.
He started hanging out at my place after my roommate/Best friend threw a Korean Thanksgiving Party called Chusok. After Chusok, he spent all of his free time at our apartment, earning him the title "Apartment Boyfriend". We had his schedule on our fridge, he helped with cleaning checks, he fixed our door bell, made us dinner on Sundays, and accompanied us on shopping trips (even to JoAnn's where he realized his interest in me).
I had a boy back in Michigan... it took me a while to realize that boy had to grow up, and I wasn't helping. While I was hung up on this boy, My husband (we'll call him handsome pants) chased me with persistence. We went on a couple dates. I would flirt with him, then tell him he wasn't my type. My sister kept telling him to keep trying because she just knew he was perfect for me. I let him see all the unimpressive sides of me. In my most pitiful hour, he realized he loved me.
My roommate and I would talk into the night, we would talk about the people in our life and what praiseworthy things we had done in the day and what we were excited about for tomorrow. I remember a conversation about Handsome pants, She said, "No matter how many times you break his heart, he's always there for you the next day. It seems he's your friend above all else." That may be when my eyes and heart started to open. Christmas break came and I broke up with my boy in Michigan. It's like a siren stopped going off, a cloud was removed from my sight and I could see that standing right in front of me was the man of my dreams. Within a week after we were back from break, we were dating. I remember it was Wednesday when I was at the temple, I prayed about him and got a resounding yes. That's when it really started to rain blessings from heaven. I know that God prepared him for me. Everything about my husband is why I love him and it tells me that Heavenly Father knows me perfectly and loves me perfectly. My handsome pants makes me so happy. I feel honored and blessed to have him every day. The longer I am with him the deeper I love him. He is everything I never knew I needed. My life is a fairytale & I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Role Models

So, I thought a brilliant way to start would be pointing out the fabulous mom-tastic people who inspire me to step it up.
First of all, there's my sister Kathleen. She has 4 kids 6 and under and keeps a spotless house. She takes gobs of pictures of the little beauties and finds the time to put them online and blog about their adventures. Growing up, it wasn't hard to see the natural mother in her. She always had a sweet demeanor and I thought of her as a peacemaker. She also spent a good amount of time nurturing her young siblings. I know when I was young I always wanted to climb into bed with her or Barbara (my oldest sis)... but I kicked a lot, so it wasn't invited regularly. She also spent a great deal of time tending to my little brother. Her blog has motivated me to start one of my own and upload some rather out of date photos onto flickr and tell the stories associated so people who want to feel involved and updated about my life can do so.
Secondly, there's my college roommate Jen. She is a natural organic mother. She went all natural for the birth of her daughter. She recalls the experience as being really fun. There are so many admirable, fun, praiseworthy things I think about doing, but the thoughts never materialize probably because I don't believe in myself. Jen doesn't have this problem and she has a lot of the same ideas I have, but she actually does those things and it makes her so creative and fun to be with.
Third there's my grandma Barbara. I have thought a lot about her lately. She passed away when I was almost 5. She was very Lithuanian. She raised my dad on her own since grandpa Leo passed away (my dad was 7). She had a business in a time women were not often found in the workplace. She lived providently. She valued education and family. She was able to provide for her son and her grandchildren. I want to be provident like that & provide well for my family. I want to be attached to my Lithuanian roots like she was. I heard she was a great cook & once did recipes for Betty Crocker. I love cooking, I especially love trying out her recipes.
Fourth, there's my mom (now this could be an entire posting). I was not an easy child, though I wasn't "rebellious". I was constantly jealous and riddled with self esteem problems. My mom taught me a lot in mothering me. She taught me that Motherhood is a learning process. It is different for each child you have. I learned that love is the greatest motivator. Being the best mom you can be is divine and never ending and it is a vastly important responsibility. Most of all, I am grateful that her testimony of the gospel is so obviously bright. The gospel is my favorite thing in the world and the best gift my mom could have passed on to me, it brightens every day and gives purpose to everything. Love is what raises a child and helps them make good choices. Love raised me.
My Disclaimer: If you are an amazing mom in my circle, you know you inspire me right? I mean, there are so many things to admire about you.
-Sarah