Friday, October 20, 2017

Being a rock

I found this- written in fall 2014.  I read it and thought it was a good insight to where I was then.  I think my loved ones would appreciate it.
I love who I am.  I don't feel boastful saying that.  I should approve of myself.  I love how I play with and enjoy my boys, finding silly side paths to getting upset and instead being silly.  I like how honest I am.  I not only cannot tell a lie, I have to be true to my heart and my belief.  I like how diplomatic I am, and empathetic, and I care about people.  I sometimes struggle though- to figure out how I feel about a particular situation and whether I am making decisions that reflect my heart.  I sadly, don't have many close church friends right now.  The people I talk to the most are not religious.  I love them for their boldness and their insights.  I love their unveiled personalities- there are no masks of perfection.  Now, I am not generalizing all of my religious people to be mask wearing... many of them are "real", but I've had such trouble making friends- having meaningful conversations, it is as if there is a wall and if it's my fault, I wish I knew how to break through it.  I often have felt that I don't fit in well with the ladies at church.  They are so loyal and so bright eyed- it's as if there is no doubt in them- no worry, no question or wavering.  They are so shiny and good at being "Mormon".  I just think that I am not a production piece- not the piece someone would send down the runway to display the "mormon woman". How the practices of the church grow a person.  This is because I do not have the innocent sparkle- the childlike enthusiasm for whatever is asked of me or whatever I ought to believe.  I question things rationally, like- The scriptures were written by men- inspired men, but they had cultures and some of them wrote what I would consider personal beliefs that were possibly derived from their culture, but weren't accurate.  Like- Dark skin.  It is illogical to believe it is a curse.  It is logical to believe that different areas of the world with different climates raised people with varying skin tones and genomes that survive best there.  I just don't know how much of the bible (The OT specifically) is allegorical.  I struggle to understand which stories I am supposed to believe as factual and which are parables.  I seem to have an easier time finding the illogical pieces and questioning the veracity.  But that is not my purpose when I read the scriptures and I wonder how effective I can be as a missionary when I read critically.  The thing is though- I have this concept of God- who he is, isn't it who he always was?  unchangeable- whose course is one eternal round.  He seems to me to be merciful and loving, with a discerning eye for justice and discipline.  He seems lovingly involved and ever handing out wisdom and knowledge to mankind.  I know he exists.  I know that this is his church.  I feel stronger with the first of those two sentences though.  When I pray, he answers me.  He sends me dreams and people and experiences which powerfully testify of his involvement in my life.  I mean, last night I felt so confused and I wrote in my journal, said a prayer, and instantly picked up the book with the answer, felt inspired as to where to look, and found it.  It was a few paragraphs I had written about how the gospel affects growth in a person, tips for missionary work.  I also have miraculous stories- like how chidi, my hermit crab, got lost-- and I prayed to find chidi every night for months. Six months later, in the middle of winter, downstairs behind a couch, under some blankets, my chidi was alive.  And there was the time I got so buried in questions that I felt I had to leave the church and basically, I went insane.  The message from God was so clear- "Yes, you can make your choices- you can leave, but if you do, you will hurt, your brain will suffer, your heart will fear.  This is who you are and where you belong.  I need you."  I felt as though leaving tore out my center- the core of my being and I was lost and confused and my brain stopped working and my heart was scared and alone- I felt like I was trying to follow God but I couldn't find him.  I think that I cannot exist outside of this church.  I think that is for my health.  I also think that God, accompanied by many prayers of my ancestors and possibly those who will come after me combined to tell me I was important and if I left, my heart would drown in fear and sorrow, my brain would cause me anguish with depression and mania, my body would never rest, and I would be miserable.  It is not so with everyone because not everyone has had the life I have.  With greater light comes a greater responsibility and greater blessings come with greater responsibility and also greater sorrow with separation.  So here I am- I am mormon, I question things sometimes and I forget to do what I should.  I am sparkly, but not as loyal as I wish I was.  I felt as though I tried to leave and God pulled me back.  I have a friend who is spiritual but not religious.  Her presence nurtures my heart.  When I see her, I feel a sense of home and love and shelter.  I thought about her the other night when I prayed.  I thought about God... I love how I feel around my friend.  I wish I had such a relationship with God.  I wish I had that familiarity with him.  It's hard to explain- but I want to feel like 'with God is my comfortable place'. But it's hard because I cannot physically see him or touch him.  I just sense his feelings and sometimes his thoughts.  I want to be full of His light and love... I am having such trouble clearly expressing what I wanted to say.  I wanted to say- that I am trying to be a rock.  solid, immovable, sturdy in the gospel.  Also, I want to be God's... but I am not able to go about it as everyone does.  I cannot just "be believing"... I am rational and spiritual.

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